I've been taking an Emergency Medical Responder (EMR) course for a few weeks. It's one evening a week plus a couple of weekends. I've been taking it for a variety of reasons... someone told me it was "just advanced First Aid" and I thought it might be helpful since I have the soon-to-be-4-year-old accident prone child and I want to go on a mission in the spring and having someone with a bit of medical training would be handy when you're in Malawi or wherever we're going to go...
I really want to do well. I love learning and I love applying knowledge that I've learned to build new skills. And I love a challenge. I really respect the instructor, he's pretty animated and tough, but he's been doing it a long time and knows what he's talking about inside and out.
So far I'm doing well in the written and online tests, but the other half of the class is practical hands on knowledge. I can do all the vitals pretty well but this weekend we really started the scenarios...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
A Light at the End of the Tunnel
Things have been relatively quiet on the homefront these days. As I type that I look up to see if another shoe is about to drop right on my head. Although there are only 3 weeks left in school this year, we've decided to start M in some tutoring. It just happened that a great tutor became available ... the week I asked her about her schedule was week she'd had a family stop using her services due to one family member being laid off.
So she comes to our house 4 days a week for an hour each time and already M has adjusted to the new schedule even though it's only been 3 school days. He knows that he comes home and the tutor will be there about 4pm.
I am truly amazed by how she works with him. He's almost 9 and in grade three and he is falling behind in many areas mainly due to his behaviour and lack of focus issues, but he's a smart kid and both the tutor and I believe that if he just had confidence in his own work that he'd take more risks and have better self esteem.
At first I was worried about how particular she was with every pen stroke, but she's so positive and encouraging that he just accepts the correction and then tries to do it correctly from that moment on. We're even seeing differences in his printing when she's not with him... She takes his homework and makes it a fun task: pulling up related videos on the computer and talking about all the different aspects of what he's learning about.
She does a few typing exercises as well and has asked that we do just 5 minutes a day of that. And she's made it clear to him that he must bring his homework home or she works him overtime. Yikes! (At $30 an hour I'm hoping he brings that homework home, too!)
For the first time in a long time I feel very hopeful. I see him smile when he's working with her and I see actual pride on his face when he looks over his work.
While I'd like to believe that I could get the same behaviour out of him myself (for free!) I know that at this moment it's not possible. I'm MOM. Or Mooo-ooom. Or *sigh*mom*sigh*. Or Butt Mom. (But moo-oom...)
It's taking a bit of a toll on our finances, I have to cut back (no allowance for me!) and I need to trim some money off of other areas.... but in the end, it's what he needs and that's what matters.
So she comes to our house 4 days a week for an hour each time and already M has adjusted to the new schedule even though it's only been 3 school days. He knows that he comes home and the tutor will be there about 4pm.
I am truly amazed by how she works with him. He's almost 9 and in grade three and he is falling behind in many areas mainly due to his behaviour and lack of focus issues, but he's a smart kid and both the tutor and I believe that if he just had confidence in his own work that he'd take more risks and have better self esteem.
At first I was worried about how particular she was with every pen stroke, but she's so positive and encouraging that he just accepts the correction and then tries to do it correctly from that moment on. We're even seeing differences in his printing when she's not with him... She takes his homework and makes it a fun task: pulling up related videos on the computer and talking about all the different aspects of what he's learning about.
She does a few typing exercises as well and has asked that we do just 5 minutes a day of that. And she's made it clear to him that he must bring his homework home or she works him overtime. Yikes! (At $30 an hour I'm hoping he brings that homework home, too!)
For the first time in a long time I feel very hopeful. I see him smile when he's working with her and I see actual pride on his face when he looks over his work.
While I'd like to believe that I could get the same behaviour out of him myself (for free!) I know that at this moment it's not possible. I'm MOM. Or Mooo-ooom. Or *sigh*mom*sigh*. Or Butt Mom. (But moo-oom...)
It's taking a bit of a toll on our finances, I have to cut back (no allowance for me!) and I need to trim some money off of other areas.... but in the end, it's what he needs and that's what matters.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Boundaries of Space and Time
Apparently John Cleese is not a writing mother. For him to be creative he feels we all need boundaries of space and time. Which is all well and good... except when you can't get those things and have a deadline anyway.
Have a look. <-youtube video.
Have a look. <-youtube video.
Some Thoughts on Bullies
Recently I came across a post on Facebook by Annie Fox (http://anniefox.com/cruel.php) and found her web site Cruel's Not Cool. My son has been mistaken for a bully in the past due to some behaviour issues. In fact he was what some call a provocative victim - someone who kind of gets himself in over his head with kids socially and then can't retreat and tries to fight his way out.
We hosted a Dare to Care session for parents at our school and the administration followed it up with a kid's version. It helped me solidify some thoughts and feelings I have about bullies and bullying and victims and victimization.
I'll give you some background: I had bullying tendencies as a child. I bullied my brother and some kids at school... then somewhere along the way the tables were turned and I became a victim throughout grades 6-9. It was a horrible time in my life and I really feel I got dealt a much tougher deal than what I'd dished out. I think when I bullied as a kid I was a situational type of bully... there was no systematic bullying, which is one of the necessary ingredients to be a true bully. But let me get back on track with my thoughts...
First I think we have to realize that adults can display some bullying behaviour that is masked as "authority" or "demanding respect". They forget that you must give respect to gain it and they write off kids' feelings as moot... so not surprising kids behave the same way to others.
Second, I think we need to consider that no child grows up as a natural bully. they were all bullied before... likely by adults first.
So often we think bullies need to be made to feel worse for their actions but we forget that if they were at peace inside themselves and feeling ok about themselves, they wouldn't be bullies in the first place and no amount of shunning or brow beating will make them choose better actions in the first place, it will just make them bury their emotions for a later date, sometimes in adulthood in the workplace.
As a society we save all our compassion for the victims, we have none left for the bullies. Imagine if we treated them as victims as well, or saved some compassion for them. It's obvious that they are hurting inside and it's just overflowing...
The solution that society finds acceptable is to tell the bully that he or she is wrong/bad/evil/horrible. That in itself is a form of bullying, systematically (a system, society) telling someone they are "less than". It's not discipline, discipline comes from the word discipleship: "One who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another".
To me, this means we have to embrace and assist bullies, to help them heal and find their missing pieces. Because when they do that, they can fully understand how their actions affect others and they can fix the wrongs their actions created.
We hosted a Dare to Care session for parents at our school and the administration followed it up with a kid's version. It helped me solidify some thoughts and feelings I have about bullies and bullying and victims and victimization.
I'll give you some background: I had bullying tendencies as a child. I bullied my brother and some kids at school... then somewhere along the way the tables were turned and I became a victim throughout grades 6-9. It was a horrible time in my life and I really feel I got dealt a much tougher deal than what I'd dished out. I think when I bullied as a kid I was a situational type of bully... there was no systematic bullying, which is one of the necessary ingredients to be a true bully. But let me get back on track with my thoughts...
First I think we have to realize that adults can display some bullying behaviour that is masked as "authority" or "demanding respect". They forget that you must give respect to gain it and they write off kids' feelings as moot... so not surprising kids behave the same way to others.
Second, I think we need to consider that no child grows up as a natural bully. they were all bullied before... likely by adults first.
So often we think bullies need to be made to feel worse for their actions but we forget that if they were at peace inside themselves and feeling ok about themselves, they wouldn't be bullies in the first place and no amount of shunning or brow beating will make them choose better actions in the first place, it will just make them bury their emotions for a later date, sometimes in adulthood in the workplace.
As a society we save all our compassion for the victims, we have none left for the bullies. Imagine if we treated them as victims as well, or saved some compassion for them. It's obvious that they are hurting inside and it's just overflowing...
The solution that society finds acceptable is to tell the bully that he or she is wrong/bad/evil/horrible. That in itself is a form of bullying, systematically (a system, society) telling someone they are "less than". It's not discipline, discipline comes from the word discipleship: "One who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another".
To me, this means we have to embrace and assist bullies, to help them heal and find their missing pieces. Because when they do that, they can fully understand how their actions affect others and they can fix the wrongs their actions created.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Shoot. Me. Now.
I said I wouldn't do it. I said that I was done. I said I was backing off and taking time out for me.
I said they'd survive without me. I said it was their problem. I said I needed to focus on the important things.
I said a lot of things.
Like today.... when I said "yeah, ok, I'll be PTA Chairperson again this year...."
I don't know what I was thinking. I guess my supermom cape was calling... or I just can't let go of something when there's no one picking it up.
I said they'd survive without me. I said it was their problem. I said I needed to focus on the important things.
I said a lot of things.
Like today.... when I said "yeah, ok, I'll be PTA Chairperson again this year...."
I don't know what I was thinking. I guess my supermom cape was calling... or I just can't let go of something when there's no one picking it up.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Days in LaPorte and Long-distance Parenting
A couple weeks ago we found out that Major Man's best friend's mom was dying. A major stroke and they removed the feeding tube... and we waited.
It felt horrible and morbid and so much like last year when we were waiting for Major Man's dad to pass away.
Do we book flights? Do we tell work? Do we go before they die or after? How can we get the best flight price so we don't go into debt? Can we get childcare?
Thankfully we live in the same neighborhood as my mom and she came through (again).
After I'd been here in LaPorte just one day, my son had a rough day at school. So we texted and phoned and tried to understand what was going on and help the principal arrange for my mom to get him - he was angry and throwing a tantrum and using swear words. He couldn't be in the classroom and I couldn't do anything about it.
It's a helpless feeling - like something is just happening to you and you can't do anything about it. I wonder if it's the same feeling my son experiences when he is having this trouble. My mind races and all I can think is "make it better, make it better, make it better". It's hard for me to put the responsibility on my son. He's eight. He needs to be responsible for his actions. He needs to make his own choices and maybe it's best when I'm not able to help him. Not able to make excuses.
I try to deconstruct what happened. What was said, who heard it, is it he-said-she-said or legitimate? Is he lying? Are they lying? I try separate what happened and his behavior.... try to tell him over the phone that even though he says he's not lying and even though he's mad and even if he's completely righteously angry... he's still responsible for his own behavior. Using swear words and ripping up paper is not the way to go.
At one point he had written two swear words about another child in his notebook and this little voice inside my head started whispering (don't make a big deal about it... shhhhhh). Because I wait for the day that a teacher says my son *can't* write something. Because - helloooo - I'm a writer. Unfortunately I haven't figured out in my own mind how (if) the freedom of expression should be limited in the classroom when it comes to writing. Speaking, yeah... writing? I'm not sure.
As my son gets older, I have to curb my instinct to protect him, to allow him to fall and fail more often when it's within his own power to make his own decisions. But it's so hard. I half expect the teachers to protect him but I know it's not possible in a classroom with 17 other students.
My son (8 years old) gets a long with girls quite well - he is an emotional kid at the best of times and when two girls started whispering and leaving him out of a conversation he reacted poorly. I try to tell him that it's ok if they don't want to play at that moment and it's ok for them to have a private conversation... and the school tells all three of them that it's important not to let others feel left out.
Major Man is good at this sort of thing. He can separate and evaluate what happens at school and identify where a kid should be responsible for his own behavior and when the school needs to step in. Maybe it's because this is his step-son, I don't know... all I know is that all my logical behavior seems to go out the window and Mama Bear takes over and I have to rein her in. It's more frustrating but easier to do when I'm thousands of miles away in another country... and phone calls cost a dollar a minute!
But the funny thing is - I feel the distance whether I'm right there or far away. I feel that there's nothing I can do to cross the chasm between Mother Protector and supporting my son's independence by making him responsible for his own actions. Either way it's parenting from a distance.
It felt horrible and morbid and so much like last year when we were waiting for Major Man's dad to pass away.
Do we book flights? Do we tell work? Do we go before they die or after? How can we get the best flight price so we don't go into debt? Can we get childcare?
Thankfully we live in the same neighborhood as my mom and she came through (again).
After I'd been here in LaPorte just one day, my son had a rough day at school. So we texted and phoned and tried to understand what was going on and help the principal arrange for my mom to get him - he was angry and throwing a tantrum and using swear words. He couldn't be in the classroom and I couldn't do anything about it.
It's a helpless feeling - like something is just happening to you and you can't do anything about it. I wonder if it's the same feeling my son experiences when he is having this trouble. My mind races and all I can think is "make it better, make it better, make it better". It's hard for me to put the responsibility on my son. He's eight. He needs to be responsible for his actions. He needs to make his own choices and maybe it's best when I'm not able to help him. Not able to make excuses.
I try to deconstruct what happened. What was said, who heard it, is it he-said-she-said or legitimate? Is he lying? Are they lying? I try separate what happened and his behavior.... try to tell him over the phone that even though he says he's not lying and even though he's mad and even if he's completely righteously angry... he's still responsible for his own behavior. Using swear words and ripping up paper is not the way to go.
At one point he had written two swear words about another child in his notebook and this little voice inside my head started whispering (don't make a big deal about it... shhhhhh). Because I wait for the day that a teacher says my son *can't* write something. Because - helloooo - I'm a writer. Unfortunately I haven't figured out in my own mind how (if) the freedom of expression should be limited in the classroom when it comes to writing. Speaking, yeah... writing? I'm not sure.
As my son gets older, I have to curb my instinct to protect him, to allow him to fall and fail more often when it's within his own power to make his own decisions. But it's so hard. I half expect the teachers to protect him but I know it's not possible in a classroom with 17 other students.
My son (8 years old) gets a long with girls quite well - he is an emotional kid at the best of times and when two girls started whispering and leaving him out of a conversation he reacted poorly. I try to tell him that it's ok if they don't want to play at that moment and it's ok for them to have a private conversation... and the school tells all three of them that it's important not to let others feel left out.
Major Man is good at this sort of thing. He can separate and evaluate what happens at school and identify where a kid should be responsible for his own behavior and when the school needs to step in. Maybe it's because this is his step-son, I don't know... all I know is that all my logical behavior seems to go out the window and Mama Bear takes over and I have to rein her in. It's more frustrating but easier to do when I'm thousands of miles away in another country... and phone calls cost a dollar a minute!
But the funny thing is - I feel the distance whether I'm right there or far away. I feel that there's nothing I can do to cross the chasm between Mother Protector and supporting my son's independence by making him responsible for his own actions. Either way it's parenting from a distance.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Hey, Kid, Are You OK?
I'm really enjoying my Standard First Aid Course this weekend. Weird, I know, but I think in another life I could be an EMT or something... Now I'm a coiled spring, waiting for someone to drop so I can practice my mad life saving skillz.
When I came home I figured I'd pass on my knowledge. Witness my kids' mad life saving skills.
When I came home I figured I'd pass on my knowledge. Witness my kids' mad life saving skills.
M practices "hey, kid, are you ok?"
Then it's 'chin lift' and look, listen, feel...then Airway check and Breathing check...
CPR or Circulation
I have to admit, he's got some good skillz... he even knew what to do (I'm not sure where he learned them!) and how quick you are supposed to do the chest compressions... and he knew (and made sure to tell me) that when you practice on another person you aren't supposed to do it FOR REALS. Smart kid that one.
E had a different technique.
"Hey kid, are you ok? Let me maul you, just to check."
Airway check... can you breath when I cover up your face? How about poke you in your eyes?
Circulation via the popular "wrestling" technique:
Makes sense though... usually we're performing some kind of first aid on Miss E. In fact, in my class today I realized I had first hand experience with multiple scenarios... thanks to my no-holds-barred daughter.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Nature & Child Reunion Part 3
The Motherhood Muse literary magazine is celebrating the publication of its second issue by going on a blog tour during the month of April. Bloggers who host The Motherhood Muse will receive a free subscription to the 2010 issues as well as one free subscription to give away to one random winner who comments on their blog the day of The Motherhood Muse post. We hope everyone will enjoy both the post and magazine! The Motherhood Muse blog tour schedule can be found at www.themotherhoodmuse.com and themotherhoodmuse.blogspot.com.
The Nature and Child Reunion
While the issue of kids not spending as much time in nature seems like a huge one, the exciting news is that there is a strong Children and Nature Movement building, around the world. Countries everywhere are experiencing the same issues, and they are collaborating in different ways to create a new reality.
Since there are many barriers to children's outdoor play, the answers will have to be met where those barriers originate. It will take efforts at all levels of society to make change. For example, a housing developer in Woodbury, MN purposely included natural spaces for children in his development. However, children still aren't using these areas. What will it take for those children to go out? Possibly a change in the family, such as loosening family schedules, parents working through some of their fears/dislikes abut the outdoors, etc. Or perhaps policy change at the governmental level will bring more balance to the homework situation. It's probably many things.
Many organizations exist that already are in the business of children and nature, and they need more support. These include Scouting groups, 4-H clubs, nature centers, state parks, etc. I didn't realize how little time Scouting groups actually spend in nature these days, including camping!
We need to make our views known to city planners and developers about how we want our natural spaces to look, and how to redevelop other areas.
Homeowners and renters can push for looser restrictions on covenants that prohibit natural play.
We can ask parks commissions to naturalize current and new parks.
Our society needs protection against rediculous lawsuits.
There are many types of organizations who are in a position to educate, and call for change. Faith-based groups, non-profit organizations, corporations and more, can all make a big difference.
Since school is where the majority of kids spend their whole day, reforms need to happen there. We can support educators who are already trying to work within the system to bring nature to children. Schoolyards need to include green space, and natural play areas. We can support our local nature-based schools, like Dodge Nature Preschool and Garlough Elementary in West St. Paul, the preschool at Tamarack Nature Center in White Bear Lake, and the Michael Frome Academy in Woodbury.
The study of Natural History is vanishing from college course offerings. These need to be re-established soon, as the nature experts we have benefitted from across the country are retiring.
Health care providers of all types are an important influence in how much nature time kids experience. This can actually be prescribed to complement, or even replace, other types of therapies or medications.
Let us honor and learn from the indiginous cultures with whom we are fortunate to share the Earth. May we restore what is theirs, and not remove any more.
I believe the best thing we can all do right now is to... go outside! I know I feel nature's restorative quality the minute I get "out there". Let's work together as a culture, within our own families, and in our own hearts, to "go back to the land".
May the future lives of our world's kids be always full of "loose parts" with which to play!
Thank you for reading this post today. Please leave a comment here and the blog hostess will choose one person to receive a free subscription to the 2010 issues! We hope you’ll also sign up for our free e-newsletter, so you can receive the first issue of the magazine free! Stop by www.themotherhoodmuse.com for more information!
Nature & Child Reunion Part 3
Reconnecting Children With the Natural World
Written by Jodi Hiland of Happy Trails Family Nature Club
Reconnecting Children With the Natural World
Written by Jodi Hiland of Happy Trails Family Nature Club
The Nature and Child Reunion
While the issue of kids not spending as much time in nature seems like a huge one, the exciting news is that there is a strong Children and Nature Movement building, around the world. Countries everywhere are experiencing the same issues, and they are collaborating in different ways to create a new reality.
Since there are many barriers to children's outdoor play, the answers will have to be met where those barriers originate. It will take efforts at all levels of society to make change. For example, a housing developer in Woodbury, MN purposely included natural spaces for children in his development. However, children still aren't using these areas. What will it take for those children to go out? Possibly a change in the family, such as loosening family schedules, parents working through some of their fears/dislikes abut the outdoors, etc. Or perhaps policy change at the governmental level will bring more balance to the homework situation. It's probably many things.
Many organizations exist that already are in the business of children and nature, and they need more support. These include Scouting groups, 4-H clubs, nature centers, state parks, etc. I didn't realize how little time Scouting groups actually spend in nature these days, including camping!
We need to make our views known to city planners and developers about how we want our natural spaces to look, and how to redevelop other areas.
Homeowners and renters can push for looser restrictions on covenants that prohibit natural play.
We can ask parks commissions to naturalize current and new parks.
Our society needs protection against rediculous lawsuits.
There are many types of organizations who are in a position to educate, and call for change. Faith-based groups, non-profit organizations, corporations and more, can all make a big difference.
Since school is where the majority of kids spend their whole day, reforms need to happen there. We can support educators who are already trying to work within the system to bring nature to children. Schoolyards need to include green space, and natural play areas. We can support our local nature-based schools, like Dodge Nature Preschool and Garlough Elementary in West St. Paul, the preschool at Tamarack Nature Center in White Bear Lake, and the Michael Frome Academy in Woodbury.
The study of Natural History is vanishing from college course offerings. These need to be re-established soon, as the nature experts we have benefitted from across the country are retiring.
Health care providers of all types are an important influence in how much nature time kids experience. This can actually be prescribed to complement, or even replace, other types of therapies or medications.
Let us honor and learn from the indiginous cultures with whom we are fortunate to share the Earth. May we restore what is theirs, and not remove any more.
I believe the best thing we can all do right now is to... go outside! I know I feel nature's restorative quality the minute I get "out there". Let's work together as a culture, within our own families, and in our own hearts, to "go back to the land".
May the future lives of our world's kids be always full of "loose parts" with which to play!
Thank you for reading this post today. Please leave a comment here and the blog hostess will choose one person to receive a free subscription to the 2010 issues! We hope you’ll also sign up for our free e-newsletter, so you can receive the first issue of the magazine free! Stop by www.themotherhoodmuse.com for more information!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Just Some PTA Propaganda
If you have a child in a public school, then you have probably had some glancing interaction with the PTA, even if it was to avoid making eye contact lest they suck you into their cult and wind up the room parent for the whole year. At least that's how I felt about it. I used to see groups of moms gathering on the playground and think "yeah, those are the PTA moms". Except, since I didn't attend any meetings, I didn't know which moms were actually "PTA moms".
So I went to a couple meetings and found out that the population was much smaller than I had originally thought. The entire PTA was less than 10 people. And that included teachers. I attended a few meetings and next thing you know, I was sucked in. Except I wasn't a room parent, I was PTA Chairperson. I think it was due to my past board experience and the fact that I had two legs and a heartbeat.
We have not only helped fund $60,000+ in school resources (field trip buses, math carts, swimming lessons, laptops, etc...) but we have been able give direction to the school in how we want to volunteer and how we feel about non-scholastic issues like security and community involvement.
But the real story is not what has happened in the school. It's what happened in the moms.
Well, I can't speak for all the moms, but I can speak for myself.
In the last year I went from a mom with a kid at school, to a mom who had other mom friends who could read my thoughts with the roll of an eye or the tilt of a head. Mom friends who would ask me if I was OK on the bad days and would actually care about the answer. Mom friends who actually liked my kid and would go out of their way during the rough weeks to tell me good stories about my kid at school. Mom friends who would look me in the eye and say "I don't believe you that you are ok, I think you need to see a doctor" when no one else would stand up and say it.
They sang karaoke at "meeting B" and organized a community garden for 20+ families. They shared wine and martinis and we helped each other through rough points and watched movies together and watched each others' kids (the only moms I'd trust!).
And this past week those mom friends organized a beautiful conspiracy.
They knew about the miscarriage and the dog and they brought me dinner three nights in a row. The first time I thought it was just a one-of. Chicken and Rice that was super yummy and a homemade cherry pie. Day two I didn't realize the conspiracy so I made dinner, but I got apple pie and ice cream for dessert. And tonight I got homemade organic chicken soup and biscuits.
I mean, I love my husband but even he hadn't offered to cook me dinner! (He did have wine ready for me when I came home from the hospital.)
One of the moms is a dog trainer and not only did she take on the burden of actually picking Finn up and returning him to the shelter, but she brought me chocolate and magazines for my days off work, to ensure I'd keep myself on the couch and relaxing instead of what I was inclined to do: Clean the house! Catch up on laundry! Oooh Yard Work!
Now, could I have met these women if I hadn't volunteered with the PTA? Yes, sure. But we wouldn't have spent so much time together, we wouldn't have had so much to talk about (because you know as well as I do that you can only talk about your kids so much...) because we had problems to sort out, budgets and volunteer shifts and BBQs and field trips and plenty of time to get to know one another in a non-judgmental environment. (Because the playground feels judgmental, thanks to our personal experiences with it as kids!)
With all that is going on in my life, I may not be volunteering as much next year and that's ok... because PTA is not a life sentence. I can't take time off and volunteer later... it really isn't a cult that doesn't let you go.
But it does allow you to make friends who won't let you go. And I look forward to many, many more years with them.
So I went to a couple meetings and found out that the population was much smaller than I had originally thought. The entire PTA was less than 10 people. And that included teachers. I attended a few meetings and next thing you know, I was sucked in. Except I wasn't a room parent, I was PTA Chairperson. I think it was due to my past board experience and the fact that I had two legs and a heartbeat.
We have not only helped fund $60,000+ in school resources (field trip buses, math carts, swimming lessons, laptops, etc...) but we have been able give direction to the school in how we want to volunteer and how we feel about non-scholastic issues like security and community involvement.
But the real story is not what has happened in the school. It's what happened in the moms.
Well, I can't speak for all the moms, but I can speak for myself.
In the last year I went from a mom with a kid at school, to a mom who had other mom friends who could read my thoughts with the roll of an eye or the tilt of a head. Mom friends who would ask me if I was OK on the bad days and would actually care about the answer. Mom friends who actually liked my kid and would go out of their way during the rough weeks to tell me good stories about my kid at school. Mom friends who would look me in the eye and say "I don't believe you that you are ok, I think you need to see a doctor" when no one else would stand up and say it.
They sang karaoke at "meeting B" and organized a community garden for 20+ families. They shared wine and martinis and we helped each other through rough points and watched movies together and watched each others' kids (the only moms I'd trust!).
And this past week those mom friends organized a beautiful conspiracy.
They knew about the miscarriage and the dog and they brought me dinner three nights in a row. The first time I thought it was just a one-of. Chicken and Rice that was super yummy and a homemade cherry pie. Day two I didn't realize the conspiracy so I made dinner, but I got apple pie and ice cream for dessert. And tonight I got homemade organic chicken soup and biscuits.
I mean, I love my husband but even he hadn't offered to cook me dinner! (He did have wine ready for me when I came home from the hospital.)
One of the moms is a dog trainer and not only did she take on the burden of actually picking Finn up and returning him to the shelter, but she brought me chocolate and magazines for my days off work, to ensure I'd keep myself on the couch and relaxing instead of what I was inclined to do: Clean the house! Catch up on laundry! Oooh Yard Work!
Now, could I have met these women if I hadn't volunteered with the PTA? Yes, sure. But we wouldn't have spent so much time together, we wouldn't have had so much to talk about (because you know as well as I do that you can only talk about your kids so much...) because we had problems to sort out, budgets and volunteer shifts and BBQs and field trips and plenty of time to get to know one another in a non-judgmental environment. (Because the playground feels judgmental, thanks to our personal experiences with it as kids!)
With all that is going on in my life, I may not be volunteering as much next year and that's ok... because PTA is not a life sentence. I can't take time off and volunteer later... it really isn't a cult that doesn't let you go.
But it does allow you to make friends who won't let you go. And I look forward to many, many more years with them.
Friday, April 09, 2010
I miss the dog
I miss that darn dog so much that I can't think about him without crying. I know he's just a substitute since I lost the baby on the same day the dog left. I know that my grief isn't just for the dog so I keep trying to remember all the bad things he did. You know, chewing shoes and waking me at 5 am because he thinks it's time to get up and, well, that was about it.
But I keep remembering his eyes when he'd lay his head on my lap. How he'd press his head down on my lap and wrap his paw around my leg. How my daughter would laugh and giggle while she'd try to wrestle with him.
I know it was the right choice to let him go, so my family could be whole and my husband could trust that I'd listen to him.
I know that what I miss is holding a baby. Writing down names. Feeling the kick in my belly. Spending my days with my family and not going to work. Smelling baby breath. Choosing cute outfits. Nursing.
But I can`t miss that because it didn`t happen. It was too early, it was too small.
But I do miss the dog.
But I keep remembering his eyes when he'd lay his head on my lap. How he'd press his head down on my lap and wrap his paw around my leg. How my daughter would laugh and giggle while she'd try to wrestle with him.
I know it was the right choice to let him go, so my family could be whole and my husband could trust that I'd listen to him.
I know that what I miss is holding a baby. Writing down names. Feeling the kick in my belly. Spending my days with my family and not going to work. Smelling baby breath. Choosing cute outfits. Nursing.
But I can`t miss that because it didn`t happen. It was too early, it was too small.
But I do miss the dog.
Tiger's Remorse
The first time I saw this ad I had the sound turned off and it still moved me.
There was something about how he flinched at the camera flashes. Something vulnerable.
Now the cynical side of me says he knows what he's doing and it's a ploy. But he's using his father's words for a reason. I just cannot believe that he had been so close to his father and he's just using those words to further himself financially. He may be using them as a lifeline. And I think that's ok.
What do you think?
All I can think is - I hope he cleared this with his wife and that he's sought her forgiveness completely before seeking the forgiveness of his fans and supporters. I would not know what to do if I were his wife and I saw him making amends and being forgiven when I hadn't done it yet myself. Because there really truly is only one person he wronged - his wife.
(well, and his kids, but they are still young.)
There was something about how he flinched at the camera flashes. Something vulnerable.
Now the cynical side of me says he knows what he's doing and it's a ploy. But he's using his father's words for a reason. I just cannot believe that he had been so close to his father and he's just using those words to further himself financially. He may be using them as a lifeline. And I think that's ok.
What do you think?
All I can think is - I hope he cleared this with his wife and that he's sought her forgiveness completely before seeking the forgiveness of his fans and supporters. I would not know what to do if I were his wife and I saw him making amends and being forgiven when I hadn't done it yet myself. Because there really truly is only one person he wronged - his wife.
(well, and his kids, but they are still young.)
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Randomness.
Everyone says I need to deal with it in my own way. I am, I think. When I actually deal with it, it's in my own way. Most of the time I avoid dealing with it. I focus on other things. Look! We need wee little fences around the plants so the dirt doesn't get on the patio. Look! I need a haircut. Look! I need to watch every movie I've PVR'd. Look! I need to buy a de-thatching rake.
~~~
I went to get my hair cut today and after she washed my hair she asked, "did you just have a baby?" I knew right away why she'd asked, my hair was falling out in clumps. Usually that happens about 3 months after I have a kid, the hormone levels drop and my body lets go of lots of hair. But with the miscarriage and the surgery, all hormone production seems to have stopped. It actually started about a week ago and I thought "hmmm, this is hormonal. this is probably not a good sign."
I stammered a bit and then just blurted out "um, no, but I had a miscarriage and so it's kind of the same, you know, with hormones". I felt bad even saying it to her because she was just making small talk and I don't know her from Eve. She said sorry, I said "no no it's ok" and then she gave me a cool haircut that I like very much.
~~~
We went bowling together. The family. I had told Major Man last week I was unhappy with the amount (or lack of) family activities. So when I suggested it he was up for it. My three year old daughter legitimately beat me at one game.
~~~
The power went out tonight as our city experienced a lovely little storm. For about an hour we hung out around candles and read our books and I put the kids to bed. It was starting to get a bit chilly in the house and I was bemoaning the fact that I couldn't watch TV, sad, sad, sad. But I wasn't tired and I didn't want to read my book by candlelight.
Most of the candles I have are smelly ones. So my house smelled like Gingerbread-Apple Pie-Strawberry-Fresh Meadow all mixed into one. It was actually pleasing.
And I'm glad we drink ourselves a bottle or two of wine. Otherwise we'd have no place to put the un-smelly candles.
And don't ask me why santa is still up on my wall four months after Christmas. It was snowing you know.
~~~
I went to get my hair cut today and after she washed my hair she asked, "did you just have a baby?" I knew right away why she'd asked, my hair was falling out in clumps. Usually that happens about 3 months after I have a kid, the hormone levels drop and my body lets go of lots of hair. But with the miscarriage and the surgery, all hormone production seems to have stopped. It actually started about a week ago and I thought "hmmm, this is hormonal. this is probably not a good sign."
I stammered a bit and then just blurted out "um, no, but I had a miscarriage and so it's kind of the same, you know, with hormones". I felt bad even saying it to her because she was just making small talk and I don't know her from Eve. She said sorry, I said "no no it's ok" and then she gave me a cool haircut that I like very much.
~~~
We went bowling together. The family. I had told Major Man last week I was unhappy with the amount (or lack of) family activities. So when I suggested it he was up for it. My three year old daughter legitimately beat me at one game.
~~~
The power went out tonight as our city experienced a lovely little storm. For about an hour we hung out around candles and read our books and I put the kids to bed. It was starting to get a bit chilly in the house and I was bemoaning the fact that I couldn't watch TV, sad, sad, sad. But I wasn't tired and I didn't want to read my book by candlelight.
Most of the candles I have are smelly ones. So my house smelled like Gingerbread-Apple Pie-Strawberry-Fresh Meadow all mixed into one. It was actually pleasing.
And I'm glad we drink ourselves a bottle or two of wine. Otherwise we'd have no place to put the un-smelly candles.
And don't ask me why santa is still up on my wall four months after Christmas. It was snowing you know.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
If ever I wanted a Mulligan Week....
Prologue: I've had a few weeks of depressing posts. Anger, bad times, grumpiness. Permit me one more please and then things will start looking up around here. I promise. Because I don't give up. I look UP.
I guess it started last week. Hubby admitted to me (through much arguing and yelling) that he did not WANT the dog. That he felt I had ignored his wishes. That I bowled him over and just did what I wanted. I had to admit that part of that was true. He seemed ambivalent. I should have realized that ambivalence would lead to problems if we got the dog. But we got the dog.
I didn't want to get rid of the dog because we were already bonding, he was good with the kids and I had made a commitment. But my husband had not, it was causing problems. We'd basically gotten the dog and found out we were pregnant in the same week and he'd tried to stop the dog purchase but I pushed on.
But over the weekend I agreed that we'd take the dog back. I spoke to the kids and they actually handled it better then I thought they would. I explained that family was more important than a dog and our commitment to each other was also more important. As a friend of mine said:
I was having a rough week and a dear, beautiful friend (who happens to be a dog trainer) offered to take the dog back for me. I was not strong enough to do it myself and hubby would have given them the Cole's Notes version of why when they needed to know how amazing the dog is and how he's crate trained and sweet with children and waves and loves cats (but not to eat) and hardly barks.
That happened today.
What else happened today?
Surgery. Yesterday I started bleeding, not just spotting. I was in the late stages of the first trimester with #3.
Was.
I had a miscarriage and they had to do surgery yesterday to finish the job. Just a procedure, painless and simple. Painful and complicated. My husband had not been happy about the pregnancy. He didn't want any more. But unlike a dog, he couldn't give it back.
At first I didn't tell him. He was sleeping after his night shift so I went to the Emergency Room myself. After tests and ultrasounds and being briefly forgotten by the staff and shuttled from room to room to await results, a nice doctor (who met me for the first time as he) told me that the pregnancy was no longer viable.
There was the question of what to do, wait it out and risk infection, finish the job or finish the job somewhere else. I called my husband. Now, as upset as I'd been about the dog and our lack of communication and knowing he had not wanted the baby in the first place, I have to give him the credit he deserves. He was there for me because I needed him to be. Just like he was supposed to be. He didn't promise me we'd try again, he didn't say much at all. He was just quietly there. Which was all I needed.
I wondered if I should post on Facebook or Twitter or something, but as a writer I needed to process things first and then write it out. But Facebook proved to offer some wonderful words of wisdom. A friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer and she said:
I could say the same thing. God has a plan for my life and it just happens to include no dog and two kids instead of three. That is not such a bad thing.
I guess it started last week. Hubby admitted to me (through much arguing and yelling) that he did not WANT the dog. That he felt I had ignored his wishes. That I bowled him over and just did what I wanted. I had to admit that part of that was true. He seemed ambivalent. I should have realized that ambivalence would lead to problems if we got the dog. But we got the dog.
I didn't want to get rid of the dog because we were already bonding, he was good with the kids and I had made a commitment. But my husband had not, it was causing problems. We'd basically gotten the dog and found out we were pregnant in the same week and he'd tried to stop the dog purchase but I pushed on.
But over the weekend I agreed that we'd take the dog back. I spoke to the kids and they actually handled it better then I thought they would. I explained that family was more important than a dog and our commitment to each other was also more important. As a friend of mine said:
Look, to me, pets are like MATES. You can’t just have any old cat or dog in the pet slot----a good pet is a part of the family and they need a personality and temperament and yes, even stage of life, that fits in with yours. There's this sort of DEMONIZING of people who give up pets... like YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE NOT READY FOR A DOG NOW YOU ARE GOING TO HELL AND YOU MUST WRECK YOUR MARRIAGE OVER A CANINE. I think that’s crap and shows a lack of empathy for HUMAN circumstances. Sometimes a dog is the wrong dog, are you supposed to live with the wrong dog for 13 years, unhappy and stressed, because he looked cute to you when you met? Please, we do not do that with dates.
I was having a rough week and a dear, beautiful friend (who happens to be a dog trainer) offered to take the dog back for me. I was not strong enough to do it myself and hubby would have given them the Cole's Notes version of why when they needed to know how amazing the dog is and how he's crate trained and sweet with children and waves and loves cats (but not to eat) and hardly barks.
That happened today.
What else happened today?
Surgery. Yesterday I started bleeding, not just spotting. I was in the late stages of the first trimester with #3.
Was.
I had a miscarriage and they had to do surgery yesterday to finish the job. Just a procedure, painless and simple. Painful and complicated. My husband had not been happy about the pregnancy. He didn't want any more. But unlike a dog, he couldn't give it back.
At first I didn't tell him. He was sleeping after his night shift so I went to the Emergency Room myself. After tests and ultrasounds and being briefly forgotten by the staff and shuttled from room to room to await results, a nice doctor (who met me for the first time as he) told me that the pregnancy was no longer viable.
There was the question of what to do, wait it out and risk infection, finish the job or finish the job somewhere else. I called my husband. Now, as upset as I'd been about the dog and our lack of communication and knowing he had not wanted the baby in the first place, I have to give him the credit he deserves. He was there for me because I needed him to be. Just like he was supposed to be. He didn't promise me we'd try again, he didn't say much at all. He was just quietly there. Which was all I needed.
I wondered if I should post on Facebook or Twitter or something, but as a writer I needed to process things first and then write it out. But Facebook proved to offer some wonderful words of wisdom. A friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer and she said:
God has a plan for my life and now it just happens to include breast cancer. Our experiences in life mold us into what God wants us to be, teach us lessons and how to cope, and most importantly to be a witness of His grace and mercy. Bad comes to everyone, whether they are good or not--and no one is good, not one. The... difference in someone with faith in God is that they have HIM to lean during the tough times.
I could say the same thing. God has a plan for my life and it just happens to include no dog and two kids instead of three. That is not such a bad thing.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Which Came First, the Victim or the Anger?
It is no shock to most of my family that both my son and I have what we shall call "anger management" issues. Heck my daughter may have them too but at three years old, the state of being outraged at the world seems pretty normal. Like, Oh My Gosh My Pony Tail Is Falling Down!! The future looks bleak for my calm, mellow, introverted hubby.
Again, if you asked my family, they would probably regale you with stories of Heather's Temper. I remember it too, but probably not as well since anger tends to boil up your memories into a pot of remembered injustices and the sneaky voice that tells you how horrible your life is and how wholly unfair the world can be. It took me a long, long time to get my temper under control. I masked it for a while. I could seethe and rage quietly and then stalk off and deal with it in whichever way I felt necessary. There was a pattern of self destructive behaviours that repeated themselves all the way through my teenagehood and into my early twenties.
But I've dealt. There has been a lot of prayer. A lot of grace. A lot of starting over. Thankfully my husband is still along for the ride... it will be five years of wedded blitz this September.
Earlier I spoke about the fact that I started taking Cipralex, medication for anxiety/depression to treat Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Well, then there was that little WHOOPS called baby #3. And the Lord Sayeth No More Cipralex. I know there are other options, but I'm not ready to try them and deal with the side effects while dealing with morning sickness and the (really, truly called) hundred day cough.
But I had an epiphany this week. One that has left me reeling - in a good way. I read an article about Ladakh: A Society with No Bullies and I found this line:
I had never though of anger that way before. I mean, with all my son's social skills issues I'd said to him "when you get mad like that, you let someone control your reactions" but they were words. I didn't get it. I didn't understand.
Of course it is! Of course it is! I can't believe I've never connected the dots.
(You may be thinking I'm a simpleton right about now, but let me explain...)
My anger has been a defensive mechanism, a way to prove that I cannot be hurt, that I will win, that I'm tougher and stronger and super woman/mom/wife and a way to reassure myself that I'm still in control. When a neighbour makes a judgement about me, I get angry because Who Does She Think She Is and I Should Show Her and I rant to my husband... but it wasn't about the crazy neighbour lady... it was about me. It was about proving to myself that I was still ok, I was still a good person, I was still whole. The anger was the wall that went up so I could take my own inventory and think "yep, we're all good in here".
I was acting like a victim. Someone Has Done Something To Me. WTH. Life Isn't Cool. I Have Been Angered!
I don't like being a victim. That feels weak. That feels powerless. That feels life fear.
(I'm going to go a little religious on you all now, bear with me!)
I'm a new creation. I'm saved. I'm forgiven so that I can forgive. The same power that raised Christ, resides in me. The spirit of Christ, lives in me. I can't harbour the feelings of fear and powerlessness because the spirit of Christ cancels that crap out. It's incompatible.
And plus, being a victim doesn't help anyone. It simply identifies the wronged party. And even if I'm legitimately wronged, living like a victim (living with anger) doesn't do anyone a bit of good. It doesn't even bring justice. It brings pain and hurt and multiplies it. Exponentially sometimes.
Before, I could justify being angry. I could weigh the wrong against my reaction and think, yeah, I'm the one who is RIGHT here.
Now, I can't justify being a victim.
And I can look my son in the eye and tell him that he's not a victim either.
(Now, there is a thing called righteous anger. See Temple, Moneychangers, Jesus. But that topic is for another day.)
Again, if you asked my family, they would probably regale you with stories of Heather's Temper. I remember it too, but probably not as well since anger tends to boil up your memories into a pot of remembered injustices and the sneaky voice that tells you how horrible your life is and how wholly unfair the world can be. It took me a long, long time to get my temper under control. I masked it for a while. I could seethe and rage quietly and then stalk off and deal with it in whichever way I felt necessary. There was a pattern of self destructive behaviours that repeated themselves all the way through my teenagehood and into my early twenties.
But I've dealt. There has been a lot of prayer. A lot of grace. A lot of starting over. Thankfully my husband is still along for the ride... it will be five years of wedded blitz this September.
Earlier I spoke about the fact that I started taking Cipralex, medication for anxiety/depression to treat Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Well, then there was that little WHOOPS called baby #3. And the Lord Sayeth No More Cipralex. I know there are other options, but I'm not ready to try them and deal with the side effects while dealing with morning sickness and the (really, truly called) hundred day cough.
But I had an epiphany this week. One that has left me reeling - in a good way. I read an article about Ladakh: A Society with No Bullies and I found this line:
What few people understand is that anger is a victim feeling. We only get angry when people do things against us.
I had never though of anger that way before. I mean, with all my son's social skills issues I'd said to him "when you get mad like that, you let someone control your reactions" but they were words. I didn't get it. I didn't understand.
Of course it is! Of course it is! I can't believe I've never connected the dots.
(You may be thinking I'm a simpleton right about now, but let me explain...)
My anger has been a defensive mechanism, a way to prove that I cannot be hurt, that I will win, that I'm tougher and stronger and super woman/mom/wife and a way to reassure myself that I'm still in control. When a neighbour makes a judgement about me, I get angry because Who Does She Think She Is and I Should Show Her and I rant to my husband... but it wasn't about the crazy neighbour lady... it was about me. It was about proving to myself that I was still ok, I was still a good person, I was still whole. The anger was the wall that went up so I could take my own inventory and think "yep, we're all good in here".
I was acting like a victim. Someone Has Done Something To Me. WTH. Life Isn't Cool. I Have Been Angered!
I don't like being a victim. That feels weak. That feels powerless. That feels life fear.
(I'm going to go a little religious on you all now, bear with me!)
I'm a new creation. I'm saved. I'm forgiven so that I can forgive. The same power that raised Christ, resides in me. The spirit of Christ, lives in me. I can't harbour the feelings of fear and powerlessness because the spirit of Christ cancels that crap out. It's incompatible.
And plus, being a victim doesn't help anyone. It simply identifies the wronged party. And even if I'm legitimately wronged, living like a victim (living with anger) doesn't do anyone a bit of good. It doesn't even bring justice. It brings pain and hurt and multiplies it. Exponentially sometimes.
Before, I could justify being angry. I could weigh the wrong against my reaction and think, yeah, I'm the one who is RIGHT here.
Now, I can't justify being a victim.
And I can look my son in the eye and tell him that he's not a victim either.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Rude + Jerk = UNFOLLOW <- Yeah, that's my kinda math.
I was searching for math videos online and found a plethora of different sites. See the boy child learns best if he can see something demonstrated and follow along. And since I'm super un-math-tastic, I felt videos might be best. He loves searching on The YouTube.... which is great. Except when you think he's looking at lego videos and it turns out some sicko has uploaded lego porn... but I digress.
I found a great looking site and started watching his videos... and saw one that was a parody of Sarah Palin teaching math.
Now, let's get a few things straight.... I'm Canadian and I really don't care if you like Sarah Palin or not. It doesn't affect me.
What does bother me is when someone purporting to teach math posts a video that shows him pretending to be a stupid person who can't do math.
Really, dude?
I am a writer. I've taught writing to kids. I would not even think of being so disrespectful as to create a video that parodies ANYONE who couldn't spell, read or write.
After sending the guy feedback, he responded to say that I shouldn't judge him on that video. Um, when you are selling a product online... a video product... and you put up a video that is rude and disrespectful, you're darn right that I'm going to judge.
He then responded to say how stupid Sarah Palin was and oh why don't I just go and quote him, "She does not deserve your defense of her. She creates fear, uses scare tactics and lies to the American People. Oh, but *I* am the bad guy in your eyes. You missed the whole point of the video. Sheesh..."
Apparently all the guy knows to do is try make others feel stupid so that he can feel smart. Sorry dude, my kid won't be watching your videos. He needs positive encouragement, a friendly, smiling face that says "it's ok if you don't know the answer, buddy" and NOT what this math dude has to offer.
And no, I won't be giving him any links.
UNFOLLLOW!
I found a great looking site and started watching his videos... and saw one that was a parody of Sarah Palin teaching math.
Now, let's get a few things straight.... I'm Canadian and I really don't care if you like Sarah Palin or not. It doesn't affect me.
What does bother me is when someone purporting to teach math posts a video that shows him pretending to be a stupid person who can't do math.
Really, dude?
I am a writer. I've taught writing to kids. I would not even think of being so disrespectful as to create a video that parodies ANYONE who couldn't spell, read or write.
After sending the guy feedback, he responded to say that I shouldn't judge him on that video. Um, when you are selling a product online... a video product... and you put up a video that is rude and disrespectful, you're darn right that I'm going to judge.
He then responded to say how stupid Sarah Palin was and
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
When will it clear...
The last few weeks have been hard. Just when I thought I’d overcome one problem or filled my quota of issues, another monster would rear its head. In a way, I began to feel like the world was collapsing upon me. Nothing was as it should be. I began to identify with Natalie Grant’s song, Our Hope Endures.
And in that song (see video below) I realized that there was nothing to fear. Issues in parenting, school, former relationships, jobs, life changing moments…. all that is fleeting but the one person I could go to now and forever was the same as he’d always been. (Um, that would be God.)
See, I have this control issue. I must be in control, I must be (dum dah dah dum) Master of My Own Destiny… (as opposed to, you know, master of my own domain). Not surprisingly my son is very similar and in seeing his struggle I’ve seen my own. Seeing him work to overcome I see what I can do. Part of having a controlling personality is being certain that you can handle anything that comes your way just because you are good enough. You can rock this. You got it all in hand, yo.
In reality, you just rely on setting all your plates a spinning and using your super awesome balance to keep everything going. You rely on yourself and your situation. Because you are good enough, you are prepared enough and darn it.. people like me. Wait, wrong speech.
It has seemed that every aspect of my life was under attack by some force or another and it was almost like all my usual crutches were being taken away. All my houses built on shifting sand were being destroyed. All my cool spinning plates were crashing around me (nevermind the poor sod I was trying to balance on my head.... I think I'm taking this metaphor a bit far, ya think?).
Oh I suck at being PTA President, huh? Well at least I’m a good employee. Oh. Crap…
Well, I suck at being an employee, huh? Well at least I’m a good wife. Oh. Crap…
I suck at being a wife, huh? Well at least I’m a good mom. Oh. Crap….
And on and on…
It took me a while to realize it, but that’s kind of how God works in us sometimes. He needs to remove the crutches from those of us most stubborn so we are forced by circumstance to rely on him. I imagine him sitting up there saying, “now Heather, I’ve told you to rely on me and you’ve said you are… so why do you start to act so wobbly when I remove these crutches? If you aren’t relying on them, you shouldn’t require them.” Word to yer mama, God.
So I really hope I’ve gotten it. I hope that I’ve figured it out…. because I can only take my earth being shaken every other year or so.
\
Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged
And in that song (see video below) I realized that there was nothing to fear. Issues in parenting, school, former relationships, jobs, life changing moments…. all that is fleeting but the one person I could go to now and forever was the same as he’d always been. (Um, that would be God.)
See, I have this control issue. I must be in control, I must be (dum dah dah dum) Master of My Own Destiny… (as opposed to, you know, master of my own domain). Not surprisingly my son is very similar and in seeing his struggle I’ve seen my own. Seeing him work to overcome I see what I can do. Part of having a controlling personality is being certain that you can handle anything that comes your way just because you are good enough. You can rock this. You got it all in hand, yo.
In reality, you just rely on setting all your plates a spinning and using your super awesome balance to keep everything going. You rely on yourself and your situation. Because you are good enough, you are prepared enough and darn it.. people like me. Wait, wrong speech.
It has seemed that every aspect of my life was under attack by some force or another and it was almost like all my usual crutches were being taken away. All my houses built on shifting sand were being destroyed. All my cool spinning plates were crashing around me (nevermind the poor sod I was trying to balance on my head.... I think I'm taking this metaphor a bit far, ya think?).
Oh I suck at being PTA President, huh? Well at least I’m a good employee. Oh. Crap…
Well, I suck at being an employee, huh? Well at least I’m a good wife. Oh. Crap…
I suck at being a wife, huh? Well at least I’m a good mom. Oh. Crap….
And on and on…
It took me a while to realize it, but that’s kind of how God works in us sometimes. He needs to remove the crutches from those of us most stubborn so we are forced by circumstance to rely on him. I imagine him sitting up there saying, “now Heather, I’ve told you to rely on me and you’ve said you are… so why do you start to act so wobbly when I remove these crutches? If you aren’t relying on them, you shouldn’t require them.” Word to yer mama, God.
So I really hope I’ve gotten it. I hope that I’ve figured it out…. because I can only take my earth being shaken every other year or so.
\
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Letter re; Cascade Aerospace or "You're Not Safe in the Sky".
I am writing to inform you of a significant, unresolved situation regarding what could be the largest mass poisoning of personnel in a federally regulated industry in Canadian history, which has and will impact thousands of individual Canadians for generations.
This case involves the Air transport industry. As you are aware this federally regulated industry falls under the jurisdiction of Transport Canada and HRSDC. The company involved is currently a contractor with the Department of National Defense. Workplace wage replacement benefits are in this case provided by a Workers Compensation Board which falls under provincial jurisdiction.
A massive chemical poisoning incident occurred in March 2002 which left five employees permanently disabled. Following outlined procedures injured and non injured workers submitted written and verbal complaints to the local HRSDC/Labour Canada office. For reasons yet to be determined the representative from the office who was assigned to investigate these complaints, missed the opportunity to initiate appropriate enforcement action as outlined under Part II of the Federal Labour Code.
Poisonous chemical exposure incidents continued at this employer’s facility on a regular basis until the fall of 2009. When after examining the situation a second official representing HRSDC/Labour Canada issued a Direction pursuant to Part II of the Federal Labour Code. The company, a major Canadian Defense Ministry Contractor is by all indications following the issued Direction.
However it must be considered that during this time frame the number of employees who received poisonous chemical exposures and became disabled increased from five in 2002 to approximately seventy. This approximate number does not include employee’s children born with birth defects. Or the small but significant number of employees diagnosed with various forms of cancer. Well over eleven hundred employees of this company received well documented poisonous chemical overexposures for over seven years without intervention by the regulatory body responsible for oversight.
Formally submitted complaints with applicable reference material alleging multiple serious contraventions of Part II of the Code, naming the company as well as the company’s insurer and representative WorkSafe BC have been made since 2002.
The lack of response from HRSDC/Labour Canada has been a major contributing factor in this issue evolving into the crisis it is today. It should be considered that this lack of response has caused these employees to be denied the fundamental right to what is known in the industry as a Bill C-45 Hearing, or more appropriately known as Section 217.1 of the Criminal Code. In taking seven and a half years to initiate a Direction since first receiving complaints that a “danger existed” at this workplace. HRSDC has allowed the statute of limitations to expire on several important issues. The ability to prosecute the company as well as its insurance provider has been severely compromised.
It should be noted that this lack of an issuance of a Direction when first notified a “danger existed” at this workplace, allowed the companies’ representative and insurer WorkSafe BC to legally circumvent its responsibilities as wage replacement benefit provider by stating; “a lack of causation existed” between the workplace and the employee’s disabling health & medical conditions.
The exact number of employees who have become disabled due to these poisonous chemical exposures is not accurately recorded, however is estimated to be approximately seventy. After viewing the eight yearlong battle for wage replacement benefits by several employees. Current employees of this company are simply not applying for wage replacement benefits as they are not financially, mentally or emotionally fit to enter into combat with the company’s representative and insurer WorkSafe BC, an organization well known for human rights violations. As the outcome of these claims is predetermined, employees in this federally regulated workplace are aware they will be denied disability benefits regardless of all efforts. The sheer volume of previously denied claims has not gone without notice and is in itself generating considerable public interest.
The right of employees to receive wage replacement benefits was also blocked by HRSDC failing to prosecute the company’s representative, WorkSafe BC for acts of non-disclosure under Part II of the Code, which are criminal offences. Again no employee disabled at this company by poisonous chemical exposures has received wage replacement benefits.
The following quote was taken from a January 2009 CBC News report on the situation; “After a tour with company safety representatives, Melinda Lum of HRDC concluded "there are no violations in the regulation or code." indicating the level of competence as well as performance of Due Diligence applied in this matter by HRSDC.
Enquiries and complaints regarding this HRSDC employee to her supervisor were dismissed with a standard “you need to work this out with her” response. Indicating a clear lack of quality control or checks and balances to prevent a single individual’s failure in job performance to initiate a crisis as it has in this case. It has not gone unnoticed that the only individual to receive the benefit of protection by Part II of the Code is this single HRSDC employee. The appearance that this HRSDC employee is also shielded from Section 221 of the Criminal Code has now become a matter of public interest.
Enquiries identifying criminal activity allegations of WorkSafe BC, supplied with reference material to subsequent BC Provincial Labour Minister’s offices since 2002. Have consistently resulted in the following cookie cutter, not my department reply: “I am advised that the company in question, Cascade Aerospace, falls under federal jurisdiction for occupational health and safety issues”
In October 2009 then Federal Minister of Labour, R Hon Rona Ambrose responded to a letter from R Hon Maria Minna, Opposition Labour Critic inquiring as to the status of the situation. Her response in writing was that there is an ongoing investigation and as such she could not comment. However, six months into this alleged investigation, no representative from HRSDC/Labour Board has contacted any individual or organization involved in this crisis. Which when examining everything as a whole, unfortunately calls into question the integrity of not only the Ministry but the Minister as well.
Given the overall size, impact, to serve public interest as well as the public interest generated, and the allegations which indicate HRSDC is a major contributing factor in this crisis. The mere perception of HRSDC investigating itself in this situation gives the appearance of being unethical.
In response to a request by Opposition Ethics Critic, R Hon Marlene Jennings under The Access to information Act for information related to this crisis. HRSDC applied a time limit extension of up to 90 days in accordance with paragraph 9(1) (a) of the Act which states:
9. (1) The head of a government institution may extend the time limit set out in section 7 or subsection 8(1) in respect of a request under this Act for a reasonable period of time, having regard to the circumstances, if
(a) the request is for a large number of records or necessitates a search through a large number of records and meeting the original time limit would unreasonably interfere with the operations of the government institution,
The utilization of this reference again highlights the perception of an unethical self-investigation of HRSDC’s role in this crisis. Also the utilization of this reference infers one should question the conduct of HRSDC personnel as well as the Minister involved as it raises two important points:
A) If the amount of records pertaining to this company and this situation are in substantial of size as to require up to 120 days to compile, is not an explanation of why it took an HRSDC representative seven and a half years to issue a Direction is past due?
Or:
B) As it is HRSDC/Labour Canada’s mandate is to be responsible for Part II of the Canada Labour Code and Canada Occupational Health and Safety Regulations. And with the current investigation being conducted in name only: How is it possible that poisonous chemical overexposures of over one thousand employees of a single company could unreasonably interfere with the operations of this government institution when its mandate is to protect these same employees?
As the company which is the center of this investigation has received DND contracts valued in excess of one half billion dollars of taxpayer money, the information formally requested under The Act, is of significant public interest.
Current and newly appointed Minister of Labour R Hon Lisa Raitt or personnel from her office have as of yet to respond to multiple written and verbal enquiries.
This crisis has not gone unnoticed by the company. After receiving multimillion dollar loans and contracts from both the British Columbia and the Government of Canada: Cascade Aerospace the company at the center of this crisis has recently divested itself of its facility in British Columbia Canada. Restructured its corporate entity and distanced itself from its former parent company Conair Group.
While laying off hundreds of employees in Canada the company has invested heavily in new facilities in Washington State USA. And also has moved specialty tooling along with aircraft parts out of Canada to this new facility. The company is essentially a shell of what it was when this crisis began. Other than ten year old office furniture the company has little to no assets in Canada.
This crisis reinforces criticism from the US Department of Defense of flaws in the Canadian DND contractor procurement processes. As the DND has awarded this company which is a leader in a consortium, two additional multimillion dollar contracts on top of the existing 450 million dollar maintenance contract after this crisis became public knowledge.
This has now become a national unity issue as jobs were lost in the provinces of Alberta and Quebec by DND’s decision to grant these contracts to a company with a known and abysmal safety record, and as documented questionable ethics.
The treatment of these disabled employees by the company, the Province of British Columbia and Canadian Governments; has contravened even the lowest of constitutional and human rights standards in Canada. As the company is in an exporter of goods and services and has not been charged under the applicable regulations. It therefore has received an unfair advantage by the Provence of British Columbia and the Canadian Government over its competitors in foreign countries which has resulted in job losses, clearly indicates the spirit of Canada’s commitment to NAFTA, The World and other free trade agreements.
This crisis combined with Transport Canada’s efforts to implement aspects of an SMS program without parliamentary approval. Demonstrates an unacceptable reliance on the complacency of traveling Canadians to assume they are safe on a Canadian registered aircraft when this is no longer true.
Sincerely,
Heather Cook
This case involves the Air transport industry. As you are aware this federally regulated industry falls under the jurisdiction of Transport Canada and HRSDC. The company involved is currently a contractor with the Department of National Defense. Workplace wage replacement benefits are in this case provided by a Workers Compensation Board which falls under provincial jurisdiction.
A massive chemical poisoning incident occurred in March 2002 which left five employees permanently disabled. Following outlined procedures injured and non injured workers submitted written and verbal complaints to the local HRSDC/Labour Canada office. For reasons yet to be determined the representative from the office who was assigned to investigate these complaints, missed the opportunity to initiate appropriate enforcement action as outlined under Part II of the Federal Labour Code.
Poisonous chemical exposure incidents continued at this employer’s facility on a regular basis until the fall of 2009. When after examining the situation a second official representing HRSDC/Labour Canada issued a Direction pursuant to Part II of the Federal Labour Code. The company, a major Canadian Defense Ministry Contractor is by all indications following the issued Direction.
However it must be considered that during this time frame the number of employees who received poisonous chemical exposures and became disabled increased from five in 2002 to approximately seventy. This approximate number does not include employee’s children born with birth defects. Or the small but significant number of employees diagnosed with various forms of cancer. Well over eleven hundred employees of this company received well documented poisonous chemical overexposures for over seven years without intervention by the regulatory body responsible for oversight.
Formally submitted complaints with applicable reference material alleging multiple serious contraventions of Part II of the Code, naming the company as well as the company’s insurer and representative WorkSafe BC have been made since 2002.
The lack of response from HRSDC/Labour Canada has been a major contributing factor in this issue evolving into the crisis it is today. It should be considered that this lack of response has caused these employees to be denied the fundamental right to what is known in the industry as a Bill C-45 Hearing, or more appropriately known as Section 217.1 of the Criminal Code. In taking seven and a half years to initiate a Direction since first receiving complaints that a “danger existed” at this workplace. HRSDC has allowed the statute of limitations to expire on several important issues. The ability to prosecute the company as well as its insurance provider has been severely compromised.
It should be noted that this lack of an issuance of a Direction when first notified a “danger existed” at this workplace, allowed the companies’ representative and insurer WorkSafe BC to legally circumvent its responsibilities as wage replacement benefit provider by stating; “a lack of causation existed” between the workplace and the employee’s disabling health & medical conditions.
The exact number of employees who have become disabled due to these poisonous chemical exposures is not accurately recorded, however is estimated to be approximately seventy. After viewing the eight yearlong battle for wage replacement benefits by several employees. Current employees of this company are simply not applying for wage replacement benefits as they are not financially, mentally or emotionally fit to enter into combat with the company’s representative and insurer WorkSafe BC, an organization well known for human rights violations. As the outcome of these claims is predetermined, employees in this federally regulated workplace are aware they will be denied disability benefits regardless of all efforts. The sheer volume of previously denied claims has not gone without notice and is in itself generating considerable public interest.
The right of employees to receive wage replacement benefits was also blocked by HRSDC failing to prosecute the company’s representative, WorkSafe BC for acts of non-disclosure under Part II of the Code, which are criminal offences. Again no employee disabled at this company by poisonous chemical exposures has received wage replacement benefits.
The following quote was taken from a January 2009 CBC News report on the situation; “After a tour with company safety representatives, Melinda Lum of HRDC concluded "there are no violations in the regulation or code." indicating the level of competence as well as performance of Due Diligence applied in this matter by HRSDC.
Enquiries and complaints regarding this HRSDC employee to her supervisor were dismissed with a standard “you need to work this out with her” response. Indicating a clear lack of quality control or checks and balances to prevent a single individual’s failure in job performance to initiate a crisis as it has in this case. It has not gone unnoticed that the only individual to receive the benefit of protection by Part II of the Code is this single HRSDC employee. The appearance that this HRSDC employee is also shielded from Section 221 of the Criminal Code has now become a matter of public interest.
Enquiries identifying criminal activity allegations of WorkSafe BC, supplied with reference material to subsequent BC Provincial Labour Minister’s offices since 2002. Have consistently resulted in the following cookie cutter, not my department reply: “I am advised that the company in question, Cascade Aerospace, falls under federal jurisdiction for occupational health and safety issues”
In October 2009 then Federal Minister of Labour, R Hon Rona Ambrose responded to a letter from R Hon Maria Minna, Opposition Labour Critic inquiring as to the status of the situation. Her response in writing was that there is an ongoing investigation and as such she could not comment. However, six months into this alleged investigation, no representative from HRSDC/Labour Board has contacted any individual or organization involved in this crisis. Which when examining everything as a whole, unfortunately calls into question the integrity of not only the Ministry but the Minister as well.
Given the overall size, impact, to serve public interest as well as the public interest generated, and the allegations which indicate HRSDC is a major contributing factor in this crisis. The mere perception of HRSDC investigating itself in this situation gives the appearance of being unethical.
In response to a request by Opposition Ethics Critic, R Hon Marlene Jennings under The Access to information Act for information related to this crisis. HRSDC applied a time limit extension of up to 90 days in accordance with paragraph 9(1) (a) of the Act which states:
9. (1) The head of a government institution may extend the time limit set out in section 7 or subsection 8(1) in respect of a request under this Act for a reasonable period of time, having regard to the circumstances, if
(a) the request is for a large number of records or necessitates a search through a large number of records and meeting the original time limit would unreasonably interfere with the operations of the government institution,
The utilization of this reference again highlights the perception of an unethical self-investigation of HRSDC’s role in this crisis. Also the utilization of this reference infers one should question the conduct of HRSDC personnel as well as the Minister involved as it raises two important points:
A) If the amount of records pertaining to this company and this situation are in substantial of size as to require up to 120 days to compile, is not an explanation of why it took an HRSDC representative seven and a half years to issue a Direction is past due?
Or:
B) As it is HRSDC/Labour Canada’s mandate is to be responsible for Part II of the Canada Labour Code and Canada Occupational Health and Safety Regulations. And with the current investigation being conducted in name only: How is it possible that poisonous chemical overexposures of over one thousand employees of a single company could unreasonably interfere with the operations of this government institution when its mandate is to protect these same employees?
As the company which is the center of this investigation has received DND contracts valued in excess of one half billion dollars of taxpayer money, the information formally requested under The Act, is of significant public interest.
Current and newly appointed Minister of Labour R Hon Lisa Raitt or personnel from her office have as of yet to respond to multiple written and verbal enquiries.
This crisis has not gone unnoticed by the company. After receiving multimillion dollar loans and contracts from both the British Columbia and the Government of Canada: Cascade Aerospace the company at the center of this crisis has recently divested itself of its facility in British Columbia Canada. Restructured its corporate entity and distanced itself from its former parent company Conair Group.
While laying off hundreds of employees in Canada the company has invested heavily in new facilities in Washington State USA. And also has moved specialty tooling along with aircraft parts out of Canada to this new facility. The company is essentially a shell of what it was when this crisis began. Other than ten year old office furniture the company has little to no assets in Canada.
This crisis reinforces criticism from the US Department of Defense of flaws in the Canadian DND contractor procurement processes. As the DND has awarded this company which is a leader in a consortium, two additional multimillion dollar contracts on top of the existing 450 million dollar maintenance contract after this crisis became public knowledge.
This has now become a national unity issue as jobs were lost in the provinces of Alberta and Quebec by DND’s decision to grant these contracts to a company with a known and abysmal safety record, and as documented questionable ethics.
The treatment of these disabled employees by the company, the Province of British Columbia and Canadian Governments; has contravened even the lowest of constitutional and human rights standards in Canada. As the company is in an exporter of goods and services and has not been charged under the applicable regulations. It therefore has received an unfair advantage by the Provence of British Columbia and the Canadian Government over its competitors in foreign countries which has resulted in job losses, clearly indicates the spirit of Canada’s commitment to NAFTA, The World and other free trade agreements.
This crisis combined with Transport Canada’s efforts to implement aspects of an SMS program without parliamentary approval. Demonstrates an unacceptable reliance on the complacency of traveling Canadians to assume they are safe on a Canadian registered aircraft when this is no longer true.
Sincerely,
Heather Cook
Monday, March 15, 2010
For Mickey, a good dog.
This is a poem I wrote for a friend's dog ... or for my friend. We were all involved in stock dog trials at the time and she had this dog that spent his life just being her dog... while all the other dogs were doing "important" things like working sheep or cattle and competing for prizes and money. They had to put Mickey down this year and I needed to find this poem for her.
Porch Hound
In the dog world there are many breeds
Well known and world renowned
But none know their calling in life the best
As a true, purebred porch hound.
Some may scoff at his questionable lineage
His only papers she housebroke him on
And he does things like sit and roll over
And sings to his favourite songs.
He’s caused the odd wreck in the sheep pen
Puttin’ a paw in just to help out
If there’s two commands he listens to
It’s “git yer butt home” and “git out”.
But he knows who home belongs to
For all others he sounds the alarm
He reads strangers like an open book
Known’ the good from those who mean harm.
He’s kept her feet warm in the winter
And on long nights when she couldn’t sleep
He knows her better than she does
And knows secrets he’ll always keep.
Through the winding road of life he’s stayed
Glued right to her side
He’s bounced and played when she’s laughed
And nudged her hand when she’s cried.
Damn near human he gets quite incensed
If kennelled up at all
How can he do his lifelong job
Surrounded by four walls?
I’m sure the average working stock dog
Feels he couldn’t walk the ground they tread
But when it’s 40 below in their kennels
He’s cureld up at the foot of her bed.
H.
Porch Hound
In the dog world there are many breeds
Well known and world renowned
But none know their calling in life the best
As a true, purebred porch hound.
Some may scoff at his questionable lineage
His only papers she housebroke him on
And he does things like sit and roll over
And sings to his favourite songs.
He’s caused the odd wreck in the sheep pen
Puttin’ a paw in just to help out
If there’s two commands he listens to
It’s “git yer butt home” and “git out”.
But he knows who home belongs to
For all others he sounds the alarm
He reads strangers like an open book
Known’ the good from those who mean harm.
He’s kept her feet warm in the winter
And on long nights when she couldn’t sleep
He knows her better than she does
And knows secrets he’ll always keep.
Through the winding road of life he’s stayed
Glued right to her side
He’s bounced and played when she’s laughed
And nudged her hand when she’s cried.
Damn near human he gets quite incensed
If kennelled up at all
How can he do his lifelong job
Surrounded by four walls?
I’m sure the average working stock dog
Feels he couldn’t walk the ground they tread
But when it’s 40 below in their kennels
He’s cureld up at the foot of her bed.
H.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Three Things
Getting a puppy last week seemed like such a great idea. And he is still the sweetest puppy even if he's a bit of a... ahem... humper. He was only neutered last week so it will be another few weeks before all the hormones are gone. Until then... woe unto the child who finds herself crawling on the floor playing with a toy.
And heaven help me but the first time it happened I was laughing so hard that I could hardly tell him to stop. After the tenth or eleventh time... it's getting a bit much.
Then last weekend our hot water heater broke. And it's still broken. That's five days without hot water. Thank goodness mom lives close by so we can head over to her house for showers and baths in the evening. I still miss my morning shower though...
And then, the topper of it all.... I found out I'm pregnant.
This was so not planned. This was a big OOPSIE. I had just recently made peace with the fact that my husband did not want any more children. My job was going really well and I felt like I was making career gains there. A child was not in the plan.
But now it is. And hubby is not thrilled. (Yeah, I know he was there for the oopsie!)
When I told my bosses, I totally broke down. If all the men in my life are upset with me, this is going to be a loooong pregnancy.
I know my husband will come around. I know he's upset and disappointed. He has retirement plans. He's 42 this year and will be 60 at this kid's graduation and that upsets him. I get that.
But I'm still happy. :)
Even with the broken water heater.
And heaven help me but the first time it happened I was laughing so hard that I could hardly tell him to stop. After the tenth or eleventh time... it's getting a bit much.
Then last weekend our hot water heater broke. And it's still broken. That's five days without hot water. Thank goodness mom lives close by so we can head over to her house for showers and baths in the evening. I still miss my morning shower though...
And then, the topper of it all.... I found out I'm pregnant.
This was so not planned. This was a big OOPSIE. I had just recently made peace with the fact that my husband did not want any more children. My job was going really well and I felt like I was making career gains there. A child was not in the plan.
But now it is. And hubby is not thrilled. (Yeah, I know he was there for the oopsie!)
When I told my bosses, I totally broke down. If all the men in my life are upset with me, this is going to be a loooong pregnancy.
I know my husband will come around. I know he's upset and disappointed. He has retirement plans. He's 42 this year and will be 60 at this kid's graduation and that upsets him. I get that.
But I'm still happy. :)
Even with the broken water heater.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Finn
We've welcomed a new family member: Finn.
He's from the Humane Society of Calgary and he's a super sweetheart. At 4 months old he's already a big boy - and he's got big paws as well so I'm sure he's going to be a big boy! We got him this massive crate for him to sleep in... I hope he grown into it!
He's from the Humane Society of Calgary and he's a super sweetheart. At 4 months old he's already a big boy - and he's got big paws as well so I'm sure he's going to be a big boy! We got him this massive crate for him to sleep in... I hope he grown into it!
The cats frighten him more than anything. He went straight up to the big cat (Zorro) and if he could speak English he'd have been saying "a friend! a friend! you're my friend, right?"
Zorro batted him across the nose four times before he could back away and has been stalking him ever since. The poor dog can't go into a room without both cats following and sitting in the door way, blocking his escape!
This is Ziggy, the younger one, starting to feel brave. He even reaches out a paw and taps Finn on the paw... but Finn does not move. He knows.
He's a total sweetheart.
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