Soooo excited!

Changes coming soon... new platform (Wordpress) and new blog design coming soon from Mamikaze....

WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE IT! :)

Keeping Promises

One of the reasons I've never committed to an "exercise program" is because I could never figure out how to PLAN my program. See, I'm kind of a planner. And when I mean I'm kind of a planner it's kind of like saying Eminem is kind of inappropriate.

I'm a planner. I want to see 12 steps ahead at all times. I want to know that doing XYZ will result in 123. It's taken me a long time (9 years actually) to realize that now that I have kids.... things will never follow my plan again.

Oh, I will try. Still I will try. I will make my plans, I will grit my teeth when they go wrong and pat myself on the back when they go right.

And I am trying to change. Just by degrees. Not even my inches but possibly by millimeters... I am in Canada, afterall.

My exercise plan is one example. It's not so much a plan as it is a promise to myself. I promise that I will try find a half hour to exercise every day. I used to think that wasn't enough. And maybe it isn't as much as I should do, but it's what I can do.

Today I left the office with 45 minutes until I had to pick up my son from camp. I ran home, jumped in my work out gear and ran to the gym... which is in the same facility as the camp. I ran for 15 minutes, walked for five and left... red-cheeked and sweaty, to pick up my son.

Not much... but enough so that I can say I'm a step closer to my goal. I can run for 15 minutes and make it 1.26 miles. That's about a 5 miles an hour... all I need to do is keep taking one little step at a time and make it to 1.5 miles in 15 minutes. Next time I'll try 5.1 miles an hour.

But that's not all... I also managed to walk about 5km (I'm totally mixing up my miles and kilometers... hope you can keep up!) which I think is 3ish miles (I know 1.5 miles is 2.4km...) after the kids headed to grandma's.

And I got the living room clean.

I feel productive. I feel good.

And I did it without a plan. I just kept my promise to myself.

Camping - A Photo Essay

Nothing in the closet fits me....

... says my blog.

And so, we're going to go out and get something new!

Details to come! :)

Sign #593 that my daughter is meant to be IN CHARGE.

Emily: Mommy, can you draw me a picture?

Me: Sure sweetie, what do you want?

You got Balls? No. SHE has Balls.

Sorry for the radio silence there... I had what we'd call a Catastrophic Event. aka...  Mama was sick... I hate the flu but for whatever reason the greater the intensity of the flu, the shorter the duration... and this one was just a day. But a LONG day it was.

I'm sure the reason that it was so intense was the stressed out ball of hell I became on Wednesday and Thursday. Part of my JOB (the one I never blog about) involves getting things to a place on a deadline (kind of sums up a lot of jobs!) and this was an important place and an important deadline and Things Were In Danger Of Missing Deadlines.

So there was crying and pleading and some more crying (mostly on the phone to UPS, some of it may have been fake) and angry words (all definitely not fake) and a speeding ticket for $129 but Lord love a duck the eagle landed and I got them to their destination.

And the next day the flu got me. Blech. I will spare you the details but I will tell you that the next day I was three pounds lighter. I do not recommend this method of weight loss.

But I will digress no further. Have you all met NakedJen? I received a lot of positive comments when I posted the bikini pictures, but NakedJen did THIS. I don't even have words for THAT.

I do have words. Brave. Beautiful. Courageous. Wonderful. Awesome.

I am still investigating the meaning of "own your own glitter"... I think that phrase could find its way into my vocabulary if I could determine the proper usage. And I want to teach it to my daughter. Which will be easy because Glitter is her thing.

The Bikini Dare .... who's with me? ...... *crickets*

I did something tonight. Something horrible. It wasn't eating the last two sugar cookies, though that was pretty horrible ... with a side of stupid.


I put on a bikini.

And took a picture of myself. Three pictures actually. Front, side, back. And I did not suck it in. I let it hang all out.

My intention was to print them off and hang them on my fridge. Except what's even worse than that? Yep, putting them on my blog. The back shot is SO AWESOME with the back boobs.

Are you ready? Have you cleared the room of small children? Whalers?

Please don't use the "make the time" line with me.

I'm having a pity party. There are no swag bags at this pity party. I feel like writing but I don't want to because I hate to give into the weepy anger and put it all out there so random people can judge me.

I want to be in better shape, I want to exercise more but I can't seem to fit it in. The first person who says I have to make time is seriously going to get a gut punch. There's time but there's no ALONE time.

I get up early and my daughter gets up with me. I can't work out with her underfoot because she's a normal almost-4-year-old and she wants things like food/cartoons/cuddles or she wants to work out with me and there's no freaking ROOM. Getting up earlier doesn't help because she just gets up earlier. Going for a run doesn't work because when Major Man works night shifts he doesn't get home until I have to leave and I can't very well leave my kids alone in the house.

I tried to work out tonight and it was a gong show... my daughter kept getting out of bed over and over...

I have a gym membership but I can never get there and back over the lunch hour AND eat. I've gone there starving and nearly passed out.

I try to make a healthy lunch but our freaking 1960's fridge is so small I can't keep a lunch kit in there so I'm always trying to do it in the morning and running out of time.

When hubby is working nights he sleeps until 5pm, then he's a zombie until he goes back to sleep at 8pm and I'm a single mom the rest of the time. The kids take all of me.

I am losing a few pounds on weight watchers but it's slow and I want to get in SHAPE and not just lose weight.

I feel like all of me and everything I want is wound up in other people. Like I need their permission because otherwise it's just selfishness. Or even if I get their permission it's still selfishness.

I would love a personal trainer... I'd love someone who actually cared about my goals. Cared if I achieved them. It seems I only ever get one response when I voice these things: Well, you could do it if you made the time.

It's true.

But the time is there, it's just not time that belongs to me.

Mad EMR Skillz.

It's no secret to anyone who has been around me for the last couple of months that I've been taking my Emergency Medical Responder course. I'm either boring my work friends to death with tales of my awesome EMR instructor or I'm re-telling some story that was told or showing them a new thing I learned... I feel like my brain has expanded, grown four sizes like some intellectual Grinch.

I've always had a bit of a chip on my shoulder that I didn't go to college or university like some of my friends in high school. Although I did go to a different kind of school... that proverbial school of hard knocks where I'd get bucked off and stomped on fairly regularly. I knew how to break horses, castrate bulls, change oil, drive big trucks and many more useful little skills. I sometimes forget to give myself credit for those things because they were useful skills at the time. These days I'm more apt to get frustrated when I can't converse at a high enough level with a political adversary or talk about literature because the last book I read was Goodnight, Moon.

So when the idea came up to make my EMR course, I figured "why not". I had recently had a stint in an emergency room (for myself this time, rather than one of the kids!) and I thought "how great it would be to have some skills to REALLY help someone when they need it".

I think I'm a knowledgeable person in my job... I'm often the "go to" person if you want something analyzed or worked out or fixed.... I hope I'm not one of THOSE people who lords their knowledge over their co-workers, I like to help out.

I was terrified at first to take the EMR class... I am not good with NOT knowing what I am doing. It was soon apparent that I was in over my head. But what was wonderful was that I loved it. I knew I was learning and I liked it.

I'm in my last week now. Just a few days and I'll be writing my final exam. I've passed the written online exams (93% over 18 exams) and now I have a written final and a practical final.

I am going to miss my classmates fiercely. A few are going on to the EMT program and it's hard not to be jealous ... I want to keep up my mad EMR skillz, but even more than that.. I want to keep learning. It's addicting.

But the great thing is that we never stop learning as long as our mind is open to every experience. I'm thinking maybe I'll apply to teach CPR classes ... something that I can do on the side but that will keep my skills up. The other option is what I've been doing now: scouring the streets for signs of car accidents so I can whip out my EMR cape and run to the rescue.

How Do You Define Raising a Child?

There's a tragic story in Alberta this week about an 18 month old girl who was seriously injured in a day home. (story here) I can hardly bear to think about a young baby being abused by someone who was supposed to care for her. So I'm going to leave that where it is and simply say some prayers for her and her family as she fights for her life tonight.

But stories like this always bring out the crazies in the comments. Like this one: "If only people would wait to have children when they can take the time off themselves to be at home all day with them. Im baffled at how people bring a kid into this world, just to let someone else raise it! and then we are all surprised when soemthing goes wrong?! This is sad, sont get me wrong, but who do we have to blame but ourselves. Stop making babies just cause you can! wait until you have the time and money to raise them yourself."

It makes my blood boil, it really does. I have to remember that the person writing this just doesn't KNOW. They don't know all the reasons for putting a child in day care. My daughter goes to sleep each night and asks me "do I get to go to daycare tomorrow?"

We seem to have this 1950's definition of "raising kids". It's supposed to mean a mom at home with an apron on who has supper on the table while daddy goes out and earns a living. Nevermind that for hundreds of years kids weren't "raised" this way.... some were married and pregnant by 14. They had to get up and work on the farm and school was a privilege. It's only been in the last century that we defined "raising" kids by having a mom at home and kids having a pretty sheltered life without having to get up and milk cows at 4am.

Raising a child is a long time commitment. It's 18+ years of knowing exactly where your kids are, thinking about their best interests all the time, making decisions with their needs ahead of your own. Raising also means funding and paying for kids. It means sometimes going without so they can have something they want or need.

For some of us it means going to work full time and paying someone else to provide childcare. Childcare is not raising. That's like saying a house cleaner is a home owner. (There's another topic... oh how I'd love a house cleaner!)

But I too once thought I'd never send my kid off to day care. But then I found myself raising my kid on my own and I knew that I had to go back to work to give him the best life. I tried three day homes that didn't work out and finally tried a large "big box" day care. I was terrified to do it - especially when family members were so critical of my decision. I remember words like "institution" and "abuse" being thrown about.

Now I've had at least one kid in day care (the same "big box" company) almost consistently for six years. Both of my children LOVED day care. And why shouldn't they? It's playing with kids their age all day, doing crafts, unlimited supplies of paper, new learning experiences, fieldtrips... they both have gotten to experience way more than they would have if they'd been home alone with me.

And I'll admit something else... I am happier. Yes, I spend less time with my kids than my stay or work at home counterparts.... but we enjoy all of our hours. I have more patience. I have more energy. I can justify relaxing over doing laundry.

I am thankful - so very thankful - that my daughter loves her day care. She loves her teachers. They greet her every morning with smiles and hugs and the smile at me and wish me a good day at work. She finds treasures during the week and wants to save them to give to her teachers. She has a sweet "boyfriend" at day care that she is inseparable from.

So to those who might think like our friend above... who might think that I'm handing the reins over to someone else to raise my kid: think again. Raising involves so much more but I'm sure glad that I have wonderful partners to enhance my daughter's (and previously, my son's) life and bring love and laughter into it.

I don't often get excited about parking...

.... but this is pretty cool.

In Which I Reveal Myself to Be.... a Crybaby.

I've been sick the past week so posting has been sporadic and I've had my hands full with work-work (that's the full time gig), staying cool in the heat and warm in the cold (seriously in the span of a few days we've been 3C and 30C here in Calgary.... heatwaves then hail...), and fighting off a head cold. But a post has been brewing nonetheless. I just didn't know what I wanted to say.

But tonight, the nice neighbour guy from across our back alley stopped by. He's been friendly, said hi a few times, offered us tools if we needed them (haven't yet), and been a pretty mellow dude (and his other half has gorgeous red hair with about a thousand times the body of mine). He asked us if we thought we might be getting a chance to get to our weeks that are creeping out in the back alley along our back fence. Plus the sticks and branches from the tree that fell apart a couple months ago. I didn't know what to say... he kept saying "I mean, they are looking a little nasty... and it's blowing into my yard, I mean... that's a fair comment, right?" He was extremely nice about it. I knew he wasn't angry or upset... just trying to politely confront an issue that was bothering him. He'd actually asked a few weeks ago if we were going to move the branches and if we weren't, could he move them a bit farther down the lane because he had to get his boat in his yard. (Yeah, I feel like the po' folk in the neighbourhood... me without my boat.)

I agreed that it was a fair comment and sort of choked out "we will get to it".

But the moment he left I started to cry. I feel like someone had just judged me to be messy, dirty, unclean... not fit for the Boats in Our Backyard Neighbourhood. I've tried to fit in, I really have. I've sat on the community board, I've volunteered on the PTA, I've helped out with the community garden... I've wanted to be a part of a community and raise my kids in one community since I was small. Since we moved around so much and I decided that raising a family meant (in part) choosing a spot and raising them...

I mentioned the conversation to my husband, who seemed ambivalent. I had asked him to clean it up weeks ago. When he didn't seem as upset about it as I now was, I figured I'd better do it myself. Now. So I drove around back. I didn't realize that the neighbour was in his backyard... I hadn't meant to make a scene of it. I didn't want to be all "well, 9pm is just as good a time as ever, I'll just do it now... in front of you".

But I wanted to do it in the cool air, not the heat of the day. I didn't want to use up a vacation day hauling it away (I've taken tomorrow off to get some writing and studying done), and I do not like people thinking I'm messy. Ok, I don't like people judging me at all and I want people to like me. There I said it.

I want to take care of my new-to-me home and I don't want to be the white trash neighbours who leave crap out in the back alley. And I thought it was my husband's job to clean it up... I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc... he does the garbage detail and lawn mowing... and this fell under garbage detail and lawn-type chores, I thought... AND, I'd only asked him once and made a point not to nag.

I realized at that moment, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

But when neighbour guy approached me and started to say "hey, hey, I didn't mean now... you don't have to do it tonight..." what did this strong, self-aware, empowered woman do?

I cried.

Yep, the guy must have thought that some housewife was cracking. I tried to explain that I have two jobs and I'm a part time student and my husband works night shift and I asked him to do it but.... and I'm sorry it's a mess and it should be cleaned up and it will be hot tomorrow and I don't want to do it in the heat.. and... and...

The guy felt so bad that I felt bad for him and it made me want to cry more. I apologized and said it wasn't his fault I was crying, I've just been sick and busy and I didn't realize it was so bad and that it was bothering people...

He kept saying "please just drive your truck around front and leave it, it's ok..." he said they are leaving on vacation and he'd help haul it away when he returned. I mean - could you ask for a better neighbour?

But I felt.... like I'd failed or something.

Which brings me to My Issue.

I don't deal well with failure.

And it doesn't have to be any run of the mill failure. It can be totally imagined failure as well. Didn't do as well as I thought I should have on that test? FAILURE. (Even though I got a 93%) Kid is upset and it's because I wasn't able to take him to the zoo because his sister was having meltdowns? FAILURE. (Even though we went the next day.) Husband runs out of clean underwear? OBVIOUS MARITAL FAILURE LOOMING.

I mean... I actually feel bad when these things happen. I feel like I must be a perfect person so that everyone is happy. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT?

Why when the nice neighbour comes over can't I just say "I'm so sorry, we've been swamped, you are totally right it's an eyesore - we'll get to it as quick as we can." I'm sure there are even people who would have said "we aren't breaking any laws, feel free to clean it yourself" and they wouldn't have felt bad about it at all.

It occurs to me at this moment that I've forgotten to take La Crazi Pills for two days in a row and possibly my over-emotional response is related to that. Well. I've already looked like a crying fool in front of the neighbour... no saving grace there. I'll just go take La Crazi Pill right now and pray tomorrow is better.

Next time on The Writing Mother.... Heather enters a bookstore and feels like a failure for not having a new book on the shelves right now.... THRILLING READING. HOW WILL IT END?

Wowza...

Go have your say: Does Breastfeeding CAUSE divorce??

The Summer That Wasn't

It's becoming a bit of a joke around here - first it was "our two months of summer", then it was our "one month of summer" and now it's "summer? what's that?"

I like summer dresses and freckles and having to keep my blinds closed to keep the heat out. I like lawn chairs and sunscreen and the smell of 'bug juice'. I like summer naps without blankets and the sound of lawn mowers.

But what I get is nights when I need to turn the heat on, cool days where I eat lunch with my legs covered by a blanket (because I still wear summer dresses, I refuse to let go), chilly mornings, chilly days, wind, cold nights.... ARGH!!

And then to mix it up... we get some rain.

So at least the garden is growing. But so are the mosquitoes and for some reason I feel more irritated by them when I'm cold.

So come on Mother Nature, please give us a summer we can enjoy - I know I grumble when I have to spend it indoors at work, but I really do appreciate the sunshine!

Rule #1: Go Outside if You Have to Cry

I've been taking an Emergency Medical Responder (EMR) course for a few weeks. It's one evening a week plus a couple of weekends. I've been taking it for a variety of reasons... someone told me it was "just advanced First Aid" and I thought it might be helpful since I have the soon-to-be-4-year-old accident prone child and I want to go on a mission in the spring and having someone with a bit of medical training would be handy when you're in Malawi or wherever we're going to go...

I really want to do well. I love learning and I love applying knowledge that I've learned to build new skills. And I love a challenge. I really respect the instructor, he's pretty animated and tough, but he's been doing it a long time and knows what he's talking about inside and out.

So far I'm doing well in the written and online tests, but the other half of the class is practical hands on knowledge. I can do all the vitals pretty well but this weekend we really started the scenarios...

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

Things have been relatively quiet on the homefront these days. As I type that I look up to see if another shoe is about to drop right on my head. Although there are only 3 weeks left in school this year, we've decided to start M in some tutoring. It just happened that a great tutor became available ... the week I asked her about her schedule was week she'd had a family stop using her services due to one family member being laid off.

So she comes to our house 4 days a week for an hour each time and already M has adjusted to the new schedule even though it's only been 3 school days. He knows that he comes home and the tutor will be there about 4pm.

I am truly amazed by how she works with him. He's almost 9 and in grade three and he is falling behind in many areas mainly due to his behaviour and lack of focus issues, but he's a smart kid and both the tutor and I believe that if he just had confidence in his own work that he'd take more risks and have better self esteem.

At first I was worried about how particular she was with every pen stroke, but she's so positive and encouraging that he just accepts the correction and then tries to do it correctly from that moment on. We're even seeing differences in his printing when she's not with him... She takes his homework and makes it a fun task: pulling up related videos on the computer and talking about all the different aspects of what he's learning about.

She does a few typing exercises as well and has asked that we do just 5 minutes a day of that. And she's made it clear to him that he must bring his homework home or she works him overtime. Yikes! (At $30 an hour I'm hoping he brings that homework home, too!)

For the first time in a long time I feel very hopeful. I see him smile when he's working with her and I see actual pride on his face when he looks over his work.

While I'd like to believe that I could get the same behaviour out of him myself (for free!) I know that at this moment it's not possible. I'm MOM. Or Mooo-ooom. Or *sigh*mom*sigh*. Or Butt Mom. (But moo-oom...)

It's taking a bit of a toll on our finances, I have to cut back (no allowance for me!) and I need to trim some money off of other areas.... but in the end, it's what he needs and that's what matters.

Boundaries of Space and Time

Apparently John Cleese is not a writing mother. For him to be creative he feels we all need boundaries of space and time. Which is all well and good... except when you can't get those things and have a deadline anyway.

Have a look. <-youtube video.

Some Thoughts on Bullies

Recently I came across a post on Facebook by Annie Fox (http://anniefox.com/cruel.php) and found her web site Cruel's Not Cool.  My son has been mistaken for a bully in the past due to some behaviour issues. In fact he was what some call a provocative victim - someone who kind of gets himself in over his head with kids socially and then can't retreat and tries to fight his way out.


We hosted a Dare to Care session for parents at our school and the administration followed it up with a kid's version. It helped me solidify some thoughts and feelings I have about bullies and bullying and victims and victimization.


I'll give you some background: I had bullying tendencies as a child. I bullied my brother and some kids at school... then somewhere along the way the tables were turned and I became a victim throughout grades 6-9. It was a horrible time in my life and I really feel I got dealt a much tougher deal than what I'd dished out. I think when I bullied as a kid I was a situational type of bully... there was no systematic bullying, which is one of the necessary ingredients to be a true bully. But let me get back on track with my thoughts...



First I think we have to realize that adults can display some bullying behaviour that is masked as "authority" or "demanding respect". They forget that you must give respect to gain it and they write off kids' feelings as moot... so not surprising kids behave the same way to others.


Second, I think we need to consider that no child grows up as a natural bully. they were all bullied before... likely by adults first.


So often we think bullies need to be made to feel worse for their actions but we forget that if they were at peace inside themselves and feeling ok about themselves, they wouldn't be bullies in the first place and no amount of shunning or brow beating will make them choose better actions in the first place, it will just make them bury their emotions for a later date, sometimes in adulthood in the workplace.


As a society we save all our compassion for the victims, we have none left for the bullies. Imagine if we treated them as victims as well, or saved some compassion for them. It's obvious that they are hurting inside and it's just overflowing...


The solution that society finds acceptable is to tell the bully that he or she is wrong/bad/evil/horrible. That in itself is a form of bullying, systematically (a system, society) telling someone they are "less than". It's not discipline, discipline comes from the word discipleship: "One who embraces and assists in spreading the teachings of another".


To me, this means we have to embrace and assist bullies, to help them heal and find their missing pieces. Because when they do that, they can fully understand how their actions affect others and they can fix the wrongs their actions created.

Shoot. Me. Now.

I said I wouldn't do it. I said that I was done. I said I was backing off and taking time out for me.

I said they'd survive without me. I said it was their problem. I said I needed to focus on the important things.

I said a lot of things.

Like today.... when I said "yeah, ok, I'll be PTA Chairperson again this year...."

I don't know what I was thinking. I guess my supermom cape was calling... or I just can't let go of something when there's no one picking it up. 

Days in LaPorte and Long-distance Parenting

A couple weeks ago we found out that Major Man's best friend's mom was dying. A major stroke and they removed the feeding tube... and we waited.

It felt horrible and morbid and so much like last year when we were waiting for Major Man's dad to pass away.

Do we book flights? Do we tell work? Do we go before they die or after? How can we get the best flight price so we don't go into debt? Can we get childcare?

Thankfully we live in the same neighborhood as my mom and she came through (again).

After I'd been here in LaPorte just one day, my son had a rough day at school. So we texted and phoned and tried to understand what was going on and help the principal arrange for my mom to get him - he was angry and throwing a tantrum and using swear words. He couldn't be in the classroom and I couldn't do anything about it.

It's a helpless feeling - like something is just happening to you and you can't do anything about it. I wonder if it's the same feeling my son experiences when he is having this trouble. My mind races and all I can think is "make it better, make it better, make it better". It's hard for me to put the responsibility on my son. He's eight. He needs to be responsible for his actions. He needs to make his own choices and maybe it's best when I'm not able to help him. Not able to make excuses.

I try to deconstruct what happened. What was said, who heard it, is it he-said-she-said or legitimate? Is he lying? Are they lying? I try separate what happened and his behavior.... try to tell him over the phone that even though he says he's not lying and even though he's mad and even if he's completely righteously angry... he's still responsible for his own behavior. Using swear words and ripping up paper is not the way to go.

At one point he had written two swear words about another child in his notebook and this little voice inside my head started whispering (don't make a big deal about it... shhhhhh). Because I wait for the day that a teacher says my son *can't* write something. Because - helloooo - I'm a writer. Unfortunately I haven't figured out in my own mind how (if) the freedom of expression should be limited in the classroom when it comes to writing. Speaking, yeah... writing? I'm not sure.

As my son gets older, I have to curb my instinct to protect him, to allow him to fall and fail more often when it's within his own power to make his own decisions. But it's so hard. I half expect the teachers to protect him but I know it's not possible in a classroom with 17 other students.

My son (8 years old) gets a long with girls quite well - he is an emotional kid at the best of times and when two girls started whispering and leaving him out of a conversation he reacted poorly. I try to tell him that it's ok if they don't want to play at that moment and it's ok for them to have a private conversation... and the school tells all three of them that it's important not to let others feel left out.

Major Man is good at this sort of thing. He can separate and evaluate what happens at school and identify where a kid should be responsible for his own behavior and when the school needs to step in. Maybe it's because this is his step-son, I don't know... all I know is that all my logical behavior seems to go out the window and Mama Bear takes over and I have to rein her in. It's more frustrating but easier to do when I'm thousands of miles away in another country... and phone calls cost a dollar a minute!

But the funny thing is - I feel the distance whether I'm right there or far away. I feel that there's nothing I can do to cross the chasm between Mother Protector and supporting my son's independence by making him responsible for his own actions. Either way it's parenting from a distance.