I think I am having some kind of episode. I'm going to call it the September episode, even though it is August because September is approaching and it's always the approaching of September that sets me off.
It started after high school when all my friends went off to college and I hummed and hawed and thought about what I wanted to do.... I was a horse trainer and there was no school for horse training that I wanted to attend other than the school of Climb On Anything With Hair (and that includes cowboys, eek!). As I was working full time for good people anyway, I figured that I might just as well keep doing it. Though I made noise about going back to school and Becoming Something.
Eventually I went to Europe and lived there for a year and though I came back feeling a bit disheartened and overwhelmed with life (working 6.5 days a week will do that to ya) there was that really cool thing that was Meeting The Man I Would Eventually Marry (after a practice round). But still, every September I'd think "I want to go back to school". I never thought this in the spring time, which is when I should have been applying.... story of my life.
Digression: When I was graduating high school I went down to the counsellor's office and said "so I should apply to some schools then?" And she laughed and laughed and said "oh you are joking, right? Because you're a smart girl so you'd know that you should have applied in, like, March.... right?"
No. No one had told me that applying started early. That June wasn't the time to apply for the colleges or universities. Parents, Teachers, Friends... all had been mum. Then there was that thing my parents had taught me... "debt = bad". So all debt was bad. No one ever told me that there was good debt (school loan) and bad debt (consumer debt).
I think I've carried a grudge ever since.
A grudge that people are going to school and looking all carefree and learning stuff and here's me with no edjumucation.
Overall I think I've still done ok. I've gone into professions where the proof is in the pudding, not necessarily in the letters after your name: horse training, cook, salesperson, sales manager, writer...
As September approaches, that feeling begins again. Things are happening and I'm not a part of them.
Oh but soon I will be, I remember suddenly. Soon the Army Boy goes back to school and that means PTA and Cubs and Karate. The Banshee (formerly known as Army Girl) may start Dance and Swimming lessons. There will be much to be a part of.
This summer has felt really disjointed... there have been family illnesses, disappointments, changing job requirements, losses.... I have an overwhelming feeling that life is zipping by like a great big circus train where the rest of the world is hanging out the window and laughing and having a gay old time and I'm standing on a dusty old road watching them pass and wondering why no one told me the train was leaving the station.
Or maybe I'm just overdramatic like that.
Part of the problem has been Facebook. Yes that wonderful social networking site where you'll meet everyone you wanted to forget and still be unable to NOT friend them.
People put up all their fun pictures. If you're having fun then you must catalogue it. You must SHOW THE WORLD YOUR FUN.
Fine for you, but I'm sitting here in my pajamas at my kitchen table and your fun is looking a lot better than where I am and WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME AND TELL ME THERE WAS FUN HAPPENING.
Oh it's like junior high all over again but with less teenage angst and more wrinkles.
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