Tuesday, March 23, 2010

When will it clear...

The last few weeks have been hard. Just when I thought I’d overcome one problem or filled my quota of issues, another monster would rear its head. In a way, I began to feel like the world was collapsing upon me. Nothing was as it should be. I began to identify with Natalie Grant’s song, Our Hope Endures.

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

And in that song (see video below) I realized that there was nothing to fear. Issues in parenting, school, former relationships, jobs, life changing moments…. all that is fleeting but the one person I could go to now and forever was the same as he’d always been. (Um, that would be God.)

See, I have this control issue. I must be in control, I must be (dum dah dah dum) Master of My Own Destiny… (as opposed to, you know, master of my own domain). Not surprisingly my son is very similar and in seeing his struggle I’ve seen my own. Seeing him work to overcome I see what I can do. Part of having a controlling personality is being certain that you can handle anything that comes your way just because you are good enough. You can rock this. You got it all in hand, yo.

In reality, you just rely on setting all your plates a spinning and using your super awesome balance to keep everything going. You rely on yourself and your situation. Because you are good enough, you are prepared enough and darn it.. people like me. Wait, wrong speech.

It has seemed that every aspect of my life was under attack by some force or another and it was almost like all my usual crutches were being taken away. All my houses built on shifting sand were being destroyed. All my cool spinning plates were crashing around me (nevermind the poor sod I was trying to balance on my head.... I think I'm taking this metaphor a bit far, ya think?).

Oh I suck at being PTA President, huh? Well at least I’m a good employee. Oh. Crap…
Well, I suck at being an employee, huh? Well at least I’m a good wife. Oh. Crap…
I suck at being a wife, huh? Well at least I’m a good mom. Oh. Crap….
And on and on…

It took me a while to realize it, but that’s kind of how God works in us sometimes. He needs to remove the crutches from those of us most stubborn so we are forced by circumstance to rely on him. I imagine him sitting up there saying, “now Heather, I’ve told you to rely on me and you’ve said you are… so why do you start to act so wobbly when I remove these crutches? If you aren’t relying on them, you shouldn’t require them.”  Word to yer mama, God.

So I really hope I’ve gotten it. I hope that I’ve figured it out…. because I can only take my earth being shaken every other year or so.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I mostly lurk and don't comment on anything - but we read a lot of the same blogs.

Some of your comments show a great enthusiasm for your work and care for your colleagues so you can't suck entirely at being an employee. I have loved some of your parenting discussions and the love and compassion you have for your children - so you can't suck at being a mom. And you don't talk about your husband as much but the fact that you recognize him in the context of wanting to be a better wife is light years from many marriages so you can't suck there either.
As for the PTA I suck at that too but really is it that important in the terms of the eighty or so years of your kids life? Did they have PTA when we were in school if so I don't remember if my mom was on it - let alone whether or not she was good at it!
That being said I will pray for you
Anette - a fellow calgary mom.