Friday, August 06, 2010

Please don't use the "make the time" line with me.

I'm having a pity party. There are no swag bags at this pity party. I feel like writing but I don't want to because I hate to give into the weepy anger and put it all out there so random people can judge me.

I want to be in better shape, I want to exercise more but I can't seem to fit it in. The first person who says I have to make time is seriously going to get a gut punch. There's time but there's no ALONE time.

I get up early and my daughter gets up with me. I can't work out with her underfoot because she's a normal almost-4-year-old and she wants things like food/cartoons/cuddles or she wants to work out with me and there's no freaking ROOM. Getting up earlier doesn't help because she just gets up earlier. Going for a run doesn't work because when Major Man works night shifts he doesn't get home until I have to leave and I can't very well leave my kids alone in the house.

I tried to work out tonight and it was a gong show... my daughter kept getting out of bed over and over...

I have a gym membership but I can never get there and back over the lunch hour AND eat. I've gone there starving and nearly passed out.

I try to make a healthy lunch but our freaking 1960's fridge is so small I can't keep a lunch kit in there so I'm always trying to do it in the morning and running out of time.

When hubby is working nights he sleeps until 5pm, then he's a zombie until he goes back to sleep at 8pm and I'm a single mom the rest of the time. The kids take all of me.

I am losing a few pounds on weight watchers but it's slow and I want to get in SHAPE and not just lose weight.

I feel like all of me and everything I want is wound up in other people. Like I need their permission because otherwise it's just selfishness. Or even if I get their permission it's still selfishness.

I would love a personal trainer... I'd love someone who actually cared about my goals. Cared if I achieved them. It seems I only ever get one response when I voice these things: Well, you could do it if you made the time.

It's true.

But the time is there, it's just not time that belongs to me.


Images by Ceci said...

Oh Writing Mother - you are in the same place as every other mother with young children. Small comfort, I know. But it is a fact of life that for a short period of time (and it IS short as you'll find out much later) other people's needs do come first.

When your daughter is in school and growing up and away from you, you will have that precious "me" time. When you become an empty nester - you'll find you have much too much "me" time and wish you had that little person to hug and play with again.

If fate smiles on you and you are blessed with grandchildren way out there in the future, my hope for you is that they are close by so you can enjoy those baby hugs again - and enjoy watching your children as parents coping with the same things you did.

Breathe deeply and worry about fitness later. For now - be healthy and be happy.

Divawrites said...

Oh honey, I am so there with you. I've never weighed so much in my life. Who knew the scale went that high.3 years of health issues, and then a bunch of random injuries sidelined me...and then along came summer. Yes, my 5 year old is in summer camp, but it's only 2 hours a day, and the rest of it is all mommy all the time. My husband is working long hours and sometimes I need those 2 hours to just appreciate the silence.

Yes, I know I need to lose weight for my health. Yes I know I need to lose weight for my hip, my knee etc. Yes I know I need to lose weight so that I can stand to look at the person looking back at me in the mirror. Yes, I know I need to be healthy for the little girl who is sucking all my time. Thanks for pointing all that out, family and friends, I feel so much better now. wine.

I am the babysitter. I work from home. I don't want to use the television as a babysitter, but sometimes, deadlines don't care.

There's a finite amount of me time in my life, and spending it doing something I loath is not on my list of fun things to do. I know it needs to be...soon.