I'm having a pity party. There are no swag bags at this pity party. I feel like writing but I don't want to because I hate to give into the weepy anger and put it all out there so random people can judge me.
I want to be in better shape, I want to exercise more but I can't seem to fit it in. The first person who says I have to make time is seriously going to get a gut punch. There's time but there's no ALONE time.
I get up early and my daughter gets up with me. I can't work out with her underfoot because she's a normal almost-4-year-old and she wants things like food/cartoons/cuddles or she wants to work out with me and there's no freaking ROOM. Getting up earlier doesn't help because she just gets up earlier. Going for a run doesn't work because when Major Man works night shifts he doesn't get home until I have to leave and I can't very well leave my kids alone in the house.
I tried to work out tonight and it was a gong show... my daughter kept getting out of bed over and over...
I have a gym membership but I can never get there and back over the lunch hour AND eat. I've gone there starving and nearly passed out.
I try to make a healthy lunch but our freaking 1960's fridge is so small I can't keep a lunch kit in there so I'm always trying to do it in the morning and running out of time.
When hubby is working nights he sleeps until 5pm, then he's a zombie until he goes back to sleep at 8pm and I'm a single mom the rest of the time. The kids take all of me.
I am losing a few pounds on weight watchers but it's slow and I want to get in SHAPE and not just lose weight.
I feel like all of me and everything I want is wound up in other people. Like I need their permission because otherwise it's just selfishness. Or even if I get their permission it's still selfishness.
I would love a personal trainer... I'd love someone who actually cared about my goals. Cared if I achieved them. It seems I only ever get one response when I voice these things: Well, you could do it if you made the time.
But the time is there, it's just not time that belongs to me.