The Perils of Competitive Parenting

Found a wonderful article online:

You and your squirmy 3-year-old walk to the neighborhood playground, glad to get out of the house. Near the swings, two intense, confident mothers compare notes, each bent on proving her progeny's precocity.

"Little Ashley knows her shapes and colors already," one mom says, pushing her 2-year-old prodigy on a swing. "And she's taking French classes, so she knows them in both English and Français."

"Well, Jeremy knows his colors, but he really was having a hard time with the shapes," another mom laments. "But the flashcards have really helped. Now he's nearly got his numbers and letters as well."

You look over at your child, who is sitting in the sandbox. He's placed his plastic bucket on his head and is hitting the bucket with his toy shovel in one hand, shoving sand in his mouth with the other. Because of your obvious neglect, he's never even looked at a flashcard, and he barely speaks English, let alone French. I'm a failure, you think.

Parenting has become a highly competitive venture. The pressure often
comes from seeing what other parents and children are doing and thinking, I'd better catch up, without ever stopping to question the wisdom of that. Or it's derived from reading too many ads for "developmental" products—most of which are unnecessary but play on our insecurities.

Go on... read the whole thing.

Even if I don't want to admit it, I worry about these things. I was struck completely dumb the other day when I was told that three boys in my son's kindergarten class were already on a hockey team. My son has yet to learn to skate. We're Canadian, aren't we just supposed to know?

I worry. Oh I worry some days if I'm up for this challenge of parenting. I think I have 'second baby syndrome'. That's when you have a second child and it's so different from the first that you think "oh, gee, I guess all the good things I've done with child number one didn't really matter a hill of beans because this wonderful personality he's got was just his from birth. I don't matter as much as I thought I did!!"

Prompt

Courtesy of this week's Absolute Write Newsletter:

You have the chance to re-live one memory in your life. Which one do you choose
and why?

Now that is a good question!

When I was growing up we would visit my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) in small town Saskatchewan. As a child with divorced parents, life seemed a little topsy turvy, but life in the small freckle on the prairie was safe.

My brother and I would stay at either our cousins' house or our grandparent's house. At my cousins' house was a wonderful aunt who brushed her daughters' hair and put them in pigtails and who gave us squishy hugs. We would stay up late watching the Cosby Show and Diff'rent Strokes.

During the day we'd go up the hill to our grandparent's house. They had a pool and we would live on its edge. The eldest cousin and I were only 3 months apart and we'd race our way through books. Who could finish the Sweet Valley High books first. Or Trixie Belden.

This was my biggest worry: that I'd finish last in the book race.

There were no parents fighting, no traipsing between bedrooms, no mother's boyfriends. There was only diving to the bottom of the pool and seeing how many laps I could swim while holding my breath.

The little town was more village than town. Less than 200 people in a town that barely registers as a pin point on most maps. We had the run of the town, everyone knew who we were and waved to us as we rode our banana seat bikes through the dusty streets.

Life was sweet and good.

Parenting is not for the judgmental

I was taking a break tonight from ... well from a mish mosh of writing and trying to rock the Incredible Farting Baby... and I perused all the blogs I've been missing.

The Marvelous Mir had a great post up today:

There’s little I dislike more than a parent—particularly a mother—who judges her worth based upon her children’s conduct. I never want to be one of those people. It’s too big of a burden for the kids, and it's pitiful besides.

How true. I was reading other blogs and it occured to me that there are people out there that have a self esteem so low that they must build it up in damaging ways. Like comparing their child to all other children, or making fun of other mothers who just aren't as smart as they feel they are. And in the end, their children will pay the price. They will feel that their own mother's love is tied up in what they do, not who they are.

I am not a perfect mother. I constantly forget to take enough pictures of them. I'm a writer and I can hardly ever remember to write down their special moments. My children are not likely perfect children... but much like moms like Mir, we only expect them to do their best. Not the best that other kids can do, not the fastest on the team or the best at drinking out of a sippy cup.

One of the things being a mom (for, holy cow, six years) has taught me is compassion. It can be very easy once you are past a certain stage in your child's life, to assume you know all about the that time period. All the answers about feeding your child, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, choosing babysitters... they all seem so obvious now that we're past them.

I've learned that I do not have all the answers. More importantly, I've learned that I'm not a better mother because I have more answers than someone else. I've learned that compassion is the single best attribute that a mother can have. Not just compassion for their own children, but for other mothers, for the children of other mothers.

If we do not model compassion for our children, they will not learn it. Compassion is not a skill they can learn because they are just so goshdarn smart. They can't learn it like their ABCs. It must be modeled for them.

When you hear a mother cutting another mother down, when you hear her building herself up by tearing others down... compassion is the only option. It's hard. But parenting is not for wimps. And it is always harder to be the bigger person.

We're #10

The Writing Mother - the Forum was named one of the Internet's Top Ten Writer's Forums in the recent Preditors and Editors Poll!

Yippeee!

Not too shabby for being around just 14 months!

The Preditors and Editors site is an excellent resource. Bookmark it.

An encouraging word...

On one of my writer's lists, we discussed controversial writing. Many spoke about writing about abortion, same-sex marriage, religion, sexual abuse...

I write about horses.

And yet, there are still controversies. Who is right, who is wrong, who said what... it's rather tiresome. But I have often written about these controversies. The mistake I have made is to take a side. I should not do that. I didn't really think I had, but in hindsight, my opinion was clear.

And I've paid for that. Have you ever experienced the same?

Marcia Ford of Post Modern Misfit, sent me the following, and agreed to let me post her words:

I was a reporter at a suburban NY newspaper, so I understand your struggles. God has us where we are, writing what we write, for a reason,but as Christians, we feel we should be doing something more orsomething in a different way or something else altogether.

The way I see it, what God wants you to do is the same thing your editors want you to do: write fair, balanced articles that thoroughlyand accurately report on the controversy. That won't let your readership know that you're a Christian, but it's ethical, so the writing reflects who you are as a Christian.

And it may be that God has you where you are not for your readership but for the editors, the people you interview, and others you come in contact with. Even in our secular writing, God gives us wisdom and insights we can't get anywhere else. That prompts us to ask the right questions, go to the right people, look beyond the surface problem to get at the real issues, and present the facts in a balanced way. That may not get us known as Christians who write, but God may not be concerned about that at all. We can't always (or ever) know God's ultimate purpose in having us do whatwe're doing.

Be encouraged!

I certainly was, and I hope you are too.

I write because...

Do you ever ask yourself this question? Or have you ever had someone say "Why do you write?" There are many answers available and as many reasons as their are writers in this world.

I recently read an account of Bodie and Brock Thoene who have produced a bundle of books by teaming up to write and reseach.

"No little elves come out of my closet to write 650 manuscript pages," Bodie
says. "Some mornings I don't feel like writing, but I do it out of obedience to
God."

Many people write for money, they write for fame, they write to please themselves and these are all very valid reasons - reasons I call my own as well.

I had not considered, until recently, that my calling may be to write. Would God have given me a gift (oh, ho, hello ego!) if he didn't want me to use it? I've been one of those people who has never really been sure what I wanted to be when I grew up. Nurse, vet, paramedic, teacher... but the reality is, I'd always be a writer outside of my regular work.

So why not just call myself a writer and be done with it.

So I do.

I write because it's my calling.

CONTEST: ARE YOU A WRITER MAMA (OR PAPA)?

Writing's hard; parenting's harder. Only the strongest souls would consider doing them both at the same time, and we applaud that spirit.Writer's Digest wants to hear from you on the topic of: "When Parenting and Writing Collide."

Write your best original, unpublished parenting-and-writing story in a 500-word essay and e-mail it to publicity@fwpubs.com with "Writer Mama contest" in the subject line. Christina Katz, author of Writer Mama, will select the top three entries. The first-place entry will be published in an upcoming issue of Writer's Digest magazine; second- and third-place entries will be posted on thewritermama.com.

All winners will receive a signed copy of Writer Mama. All entries must be e-mailed to publicity@fwpubs.com by March 31.

The entry must be written in the body of the e-mail; attachments will not be accepted or opened. Each entry should include your name, address, telephone number and e-mail address. Only the winning writers will be contacted, and entries will not be returned. Writer's Digest retains first-time rights to run the winning entries in the magazine and/or on our website or associated websites, after which all rights return to the author. The decisions of the editors are final.

I will do it!

I have set my mind that this is the year I'm going to get organized. I'm going to do it. I have to do it. Oh sure, this is also the year I'm going to lose 20 lbs. I'm sure you've heard all the lines before.

This is serious. (LOL, ok, it's not THAT serious!)

I am the mother of two children. I have a lot on my plate. I have a book due and a freelance career. I'm also a part time (slacker) student (darn distance courses make it so easy to slack!).

So I want to start this year out right. I think I have found the program to do it. (Note: I'm not getting paid to endorse this... when I land a sweet deal to endorse products for money, y'all will be the first to know!)

Julie Hood, The Organized Writer (I think the title 'The Writer We Love To Hate' was taken) has written the ebook 'The Organized Writer: 30 Days to More Time, More Money, and Less Frustration' and I'm going to check it out. I've been following her weekly plan this week and I like the format. Plus her ebook has pages you can print out to keep track of a multitude of things like submissions and manuscripts and queries and invoices.

Also, I've found an e-zine that I love. Writers On The Rise: Inspiration, Insight and Ideas For Emerging Writers. I admit it... at first I was banging my head on the table because she has a new book coming out called Writer Mama... and it practically mirrored the book proposal I had.

Onward and upward though, there are always new ways to look at things and I'll just buy her book and learn from it and come up with brand spankin' new ideas. Meanwhile, her e-zine looks fabulous.

This week was a little helter-skelter. I was chasing photos down for an article and cursing myself for not starting the project earlier - like early December. It always seemed that I was busy. This is the reason for my desire... my need to become Queen Organization.

Plus that title fits in with my Extroverted-Judger-Outer-Focused-Perfectionist personality. I like to write things down, I like to take notes, I like the hard copy versus the soft copy. I love blue binders and bright dividers and I love, love, love day timers.

I bought the Bylines 2007 Writers Desk Calendar and every other page has a neat little story from a writer. It's a good one. (Again, still not paid to endorse, lol.)

The Resolutions

1. Write Rookie Reiner (yeah, I should think so... I'm contracted to do it now!)
2. Increase writing income by 10-15%
3. Learn to do my own taxes
4. Reach the milestone of 300 published articles (I'm at about 210)
5. Finish my ICEA coursework and attend the September convention.
6. Finish two more Book Proposals (one horse book and one non-horse book)
7. Set up new accounting system.
8. Pay off two credit cards, the line of credit and cancel one card.
9. Move. (as in... out of this house...)
10. Write more about common things people care about and less about politics.

Out with the old..

It's been a tumultuous year. (Note to self: check for spelling of tumultuous)

Full of change in my home, in the organizations I volunteer with, in the industry I write about. Some changes have been good and some bad. Before I write my resolutions (or 'aspirations' as I've heard them called), I feel I must look over 2006 to see just what has gone right and what has gone wrong in my writing career.

1. Right: Signed with my agent.
2. Right: Worked on my proposal with my agent and sold my book to the publisher.
3. Right: Gave birth in the middle of doing #2.
4: Right: Increased my income by 10%, right on plan.

1. Wrong: Didn't take enough time to write That Editorial that got me in so much trouble, just a sentence or two to explain one point MAY have saved me some headache.
2. Wrong: Let myself be bothered by the pettiness of others.

So the rights are winning, two to one. This is ok. More good has come of 2006 than bad. I think that next year I'll try to be less opinionated. Not to avoid controversy, but because I really don't care as much about the politics in the industry anymore.

I want to focus on the people that love the industry, the new people coming in with their squeaky clean, brand new enthusiasm. The people who give back to the industry, the ones who love the horses and not just the sport.

On one of my lists someone made a very good comment: People involved in some sports are so passionate about the sport because it's all they have. It's like their religion.

That made a pile of sense. People who can become so nasty when involved in the politics are to be pitied - that they have lost the ability to see past the commandments of the political arena. Thou shalt not break bread with those you disagree with. Thou shalt not listen to any opinion other than those that support your own.

I vow not to be this person.

I learned this year that you can be unbiased, but if you appear to be biased then you are biased. People who perceive you as biased will always do so.

I have learned a great deal from the husband: Major Man. He's helped me see that sometimes people will dislike me just because I do my job. He's helped me to understand my own biases and helped me to overcome them.

It was a good year. Here's to a new year with all the love of last and less of the heartache.

Didn't he go to college?

The other day I caught my husband doing something very, very odd.

He was following the directions on the Kraft Mac & Cheese box. I mean... does ANYONE do that?

Tis the Season to be BUSY!

The other Sunday our pastor spoke about the song, Joy to the World. It begins "Joy to the World, the Lord has come.." and yet we often feel no joy at this time of year. It's stressful to be buying Christmas presents on a budget, to welcome family into the house so that all the stressors can be right on top of one another.

I'm trying very hard this year to be relaxed. To remain calm, to find the joy in my life. Some days are harder than others.

I've been reading a book called "Raising Your Spirited Child" and part of the book involves doing a little quiz on behalf of your child to determine his level of 'spiritedness'. M. scored quite high... but when it came to the parent's quiz... I scored even higher! Yes, I'm a spirited parent.

This apparently comes as no surprise to my family who laugh and say "Tree. Apple." while drawing a straight line in the air from head to toe.

OKC here I come!

There is a huge event taking place in Oklahoma City at the end of the month and I'm headed down to cover it.

Never did I think I'd be doing so much travelling for writing. Toronto, Winnipeg, Portland and now Oklahoma City. My daughter comes with me and it a very good baby. An excellent travelling partner who ensures I am back to the hotel at bedtime.

The magazine is covering my hotel and giving me a press pass, while I'm responsible for my flight and rental car. All in all I'll probably come out a few hundred dollars ahead, but the experience of travelling to an event like this makes up for it.

Anyone know what the temperature is like there at this time of year? Someone said cold... but I'm not sure how that translates into Canadian.

New Blog - Generation NeXt Parenting

I've found a new blog to read, Tricia Goyer and Generation NeXt Parenting.

I feel like I've found a home... every post spoke to me.

Poor National Free Press

Once again I've been spammed by the National Free Press. It's just not worth my time to tell him for the fifth... or is it sixth? ... time that I want to be removed from his database. He's the dumbest supposed smart person I've met.

Last time he told me I was the only one out of 20,000 (or some crazy number) people who responded negatively. Yeah... he had a total of 20 people registered on his forum. Now it's risen to a whole 35 people registered. Yeah... tens of people are excited about him.

Wooooo.

During our last spam conversation he said basically 'oh yeah, well I don't want your writing anyways'.

Yet with this spam he's asking me to sign up for his database.

As Winston said, "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

Tired of Rejection?

My sometimes... (ok, one time) coffee date and writer of over 20-some books, the lovely, the wonderful Shirley Jump has some advice for you:

Hey, listen, if *I* could learn to write a book, ANYONE can. I was awful, but I had some nugget of something because like DJ, I had notes back from contests and the occasional rejection letter that said nice things (most were form letters, though). And yes, lots of the books out there ARE bad. I read books by NYT bestselling authors who are making ten times what I make and getting treated way better by their publishers than me and they can't write their way out of a paper bag.

Is it fair? Heck, no.

Do plumbers and carpenters and basketball players and teachers and dog poop cleaners have all the same complaints? Yeah, they do. You know what the difference is? We take it personally because we are artistes.

Oooh, the big creative minds.

These books are our babies, our creations... Yada-yada. Yawn.

I don't want to be mean, or insensitive, but folks, it's only personal to YOU. This is a business to everyone else in this industry (meaning the editors, the publishing house, the bookseller, the bookstore), except for the writer.

That means when they are rejecting the book, they are not rejecting you, for Pete's sake, they are rejecting a PRODUCT. Do you think that if Paul Newman sent in a proposal for a spinach-rutabaga-chocolate salad dressing, any store in their right mind would put in on shelves, even with his trademark blue eyes on the bottle? I sure hope not, because they wouldn't sell a single one.

They'd reject the product, not poor old Paul. It's a business.

Rejection is all about dollars and sense, plain and simple. And if you can change your attitude, and realize that you have to deliver a better PRODUCT than what they can buy from Jane Doe Debut Author, then you'll jump light years ahead :-)

And also realize that even after you sell, the golden gates don't open and the doves don't fly open, and not everything you write is gold. I still get rejections, I still have projects that don't sell. I still have PRODUCT that isn't RIGHT for the MARKET. It's a business and I'm not always there with the right money-maker :-) And hey, yeah, I get sad that some of my babies are too ugly for the store shelves, but then I go back and make prettier ones. Mix up the word DNA and create a new one. :-)

If you want to hear more wise words from Shirley, swing by her site or visit her online group.

Lil' Blue Eyes

 

My Son

 

My Daughter

 

Mother and Daughter